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Old 15-10-2020, 19:45   #13261
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Reefmagnet View Post
Just saw this on FB. Hope it's a joke. If not I hope the poster is on the other side of the planet.
The clue is at the bottom of the pc..... its a 'toe stubber'....
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Old 15-10-2020, 21:50   #13262
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Reefmagnet View Post
Just saw this on FB. Hope it's a joke. If not I hope the poster is on the other side of the planet.

Itís a combination sand-remover and sobriety tester.
You have to balance on it and wipe the sand off each shoe in turn.
If you canít do it, youíre too drunk to come aboard!
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Old 16-10-2020, 01:45   #13263
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Your girlfriend is fed up WITH your constant wordplay jokes.

Real pedantry.

True story, we were in Oz and she said to me


"I'm going to stick my head into Woolworths to see how big it is".


I replied "there's no need to do that, just check inside your bicycle helmet".
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Old 16-10-2020, 02:00   #13264
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by fxykty View Post
Nope, NZ still fails

The plot thinckens. I'm in NZ and it's visible to me.


As it happens I knew a guy in college who used to wipe his dick on the curtains after a wank, so he said, pointing out that the curtains were really stiff after a couple of weeks. True story. Ok he might have been bullshitting (tho not that kind of a guy), but why smear yourself with such a story?
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Old 16-10-2020, 02:03   #13265
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by fxykty View Post
I wonder how much meat sold as lamb is actually mutton? Thatís the case for humans as well.

A lot of meat is sold as mutton dressed as lamb....
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Old 16-10-2020, 02:04   #13266
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
I donít know about what the Brits know but this Yank knows.

Worthless trivia question:
Which US president did not speak English as a first language?

Essex girl Tracey was delighted when finally her long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told her she had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the same day, took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, she stopped by the local college so she could enroll in night courses. After she filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

She said proudly, "I just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. I just want to be able to understand him."
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Old 16-10-2020, 03:07   #13267
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I before E

Ö except when you run a feisty heist, on a weird, beige, foreign neighbour Ö
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Old 16-10-2020, 05:14   #13268
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Re: The New Joke Thread

seeing the posts on not seeing the posts made me think of LOOOOng time ago. My brother and I took a test together. My brother failed it. I and 90 +% of class passed. Dad asked about test , brother said the teacher did not explain it well enough. I said I passed. Dad said you got nothing to complain about. It is your brother that was not treated fairly.
I see your posts so not complaining keep them coming.
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Old 16-10-2020, 13:14   #13269
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those who enjoy military history, know a little about tanks, or understand the feeling when meeting her family for the first time, you may appreciate this one.

Scouts out! (Sorry, it was a mini flashback!)
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Old 16-10-2020, 14:05   #13270
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Re: The New Joke Thread

SoCalMax, the new tanks are pretty good and a LOT safer to be in than the old ones. Many even have blow off panels with a ballistic shield between the ammo and the crew. The blow off panels pop if the ammo goes up, in theory diverting the force of the explosion from the crew which is protected, again in theory, from the exploding ammo.

Some things hurt a tanker. Everything hurts an infantryman. Plus I don't have to hump a pack! I also happened to wire in an AM/FM stereo into the intercom. I was thoroughly trained at being cold/hot, wet, and miserable. I didn't need any more training!!

Back to the jokes!!
If you tell the Army "Secure that building!" they will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to. (The truth is that I would indeed surround it as described, but then I would call for artillery and air support and wait until the smoldering is reduced while in overwatch. Overkill is usually better than underkill!!)

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!" they will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.

If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!" they will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch

If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!" they will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.
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Old 16-10-2020, 15:47   #13271
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY View Post
For those who enjoy military history, know a little about tanks, or understand the feeling when meeting her family for the first time, you may appreciate this one.

Scouts out! (Sorry, it was a mini flashback!)


Tanks for the joke
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Old 16-10-2020, 15:52   #13272
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Let me apologize in advance for this one.

Let he who is without sin approximate it with a Taylor series.
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Old 16-10-2020, 16:11   #13273
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY View Post
Some things hurt a tanker. Everything hurts an infantryman.

As a grunt, we used to say:
They don't waste HEAT rounds on a green baggy shirt
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Old 16-10-2020, 16:27   #13274
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Did you hear about the sushi bar that caters to Lawyers?





It's called Sosumi


(If that made you think of Apple, you're a real geek )

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Old 16-10-2020, 17:06   #13275
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
As a grunt, we used to say:
They don't waste HEAT rounds on a green baggy shirt
Good point!


Speaking of Apple...
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