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Old 16-10-2020, 17:42   #13276
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I laughed.

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Old 17-10-2020, 06:55   #13277
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tip:

Save business cards of people you don't like.


If you ever hit a parked car accidentally just write "Sorry" on the back of one and leave it under the windscreen wiper.
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Old 17-10-2020, 06:57   #13278
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Alphabetical
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Old 17-10-2020, 07:05   #13279
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Re: The New Joke Thread

spotcheck
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Old 17-10-2020, 09:36   #13280
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Recruit, Army basic: "Man, this is the real sh*t."

Recruit, Marine basic: "I want some more of this sh*t"

Recruit, Air Force: "Sh*t, someone stole the remote."
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Old 17-10-2020, 20:49   #13281
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are playing in the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
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Old 17-10-2020, 22:56   #13282
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
Tip:

Save business cards of people you don't like.


If you ever hit a parked car accidentally just write "Sorry" on the back of one and leave it under the windscreen wiper.

Looks like a Viz top tip - except there's no swearing.


I'll hunt out a sample!
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Old 17-10-2020, 23:31   #13283
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ok, with one eye on the pedantry police, these are quoted directly, with all due acknowledgements to that venerable British institution Viz (viz.co.uk), from the section known as Rogers Profanisaurus





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Old 18-10-2020, 00:59   #13284
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I keep on having a recurring dream of ten divided by three.
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Old 18-10-2020, 01:09   #13285
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lenovo Lunch! Boy, do I know about those!


They can really cause key problems on some keyboards
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Old 18-10-2020, 02:51   #13286
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The only thing flat-earthers fear …....
is sphere itself.
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Old 18-10-2020, 08:19   #13287
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
I can see...I can see!


I cannot.
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Old 18-10-2020, 08:21   #13288
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
The problem is, THAT joke came from a completely different website, hosted on a completely different server.



https://9gag.com/funny



So now I'm wondering how common this geo blocking is. Do a lot of URLs in the US do this?



Let's try an experiment. Those of you who can't see the image, try opening the URL above from a new tab and see if you can see the jokes at that URL directly.


I can see by following the posted URL
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Old 18-10-2020, 13:17   #13289
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fbfisher View Post
I cannot.
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Old 19-10-2020, 08:24   #13290
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals, and so off they went, two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers, and the stomp of baby elephants.
Then he heard something he didn't recognise … a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods.
He went in, to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes, wielding a chainsaw.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"
"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders …
so we have to use logs."
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