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Old 26-03-2020, 03:36   #8986
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Re: The New Joke Thread

sign of the times

https://youtu.be/q0PBg_3iVBw
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Old 26-03-2020, 04:05   #8987
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you use bleach instead of pet shampoo then close all the hatches, it could go in the COVID-19 thread for sanitizing the interior.
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Old 26-03-2020, 05:50   #8988
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 26-03-2020, 05:57   #8989
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?"

"Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", he answered.
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Old 26-03-2020, 05:58   #8990
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.

"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.

"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".

"Oh well", the man says and flies away.
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Old 26-03-2020, 05:59   #8991
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bill Gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill Gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.
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Old 26-03-2020, 06:12   #8992
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of cats...

My ol shipmate Jerry told me this one... when he was a kid, about 12 yrs old, he found a nearly full grown cat and it followed him home. He asked his dad if he could keep it and his dad told him, "We don't keep no cats unless they're spayed or neutered." Jerry asked his dad if he could take it to the vet and his dad told him to spay the cat himself. Jerry asked him, "How?"

His dad told him to take one of his boots and play with it a little, move it around and the cat will get curious, come over and climb in, head first. When only the nuts and tail are sticking out of the top of the boot, pull the laces tight and in one swift movement, cut the nuts off.

So Jerry took one of his boots and moved it around, made it look interesting and sure enough the cat eventually got curious and started climbing in. Soon it had climbed in and only the tail and nuts were sticking out of the top. Jerry slowly pulled the laces tight, grabbed his pocket knife, and when he clicked it open - well, the rest was a blur...

As near as Jerry can tell, as soon as that cat heard the click of the pocket knife, he must have gone all the way into the boot, made a u-turn faster than you can blink, then flew out of there at about Mach 17, straight at his face! It scratched him up really bad, including both forearms.

He never did see that cat again, not that he was gonna keep it alive...


What's even funnier is he told me that story on our sub in the middle of a WESTPAC. About a week later, there was a quartermaster hanging out down in the torpedo room, talking and hanging out when something went sideways and things started getting heated between him and the torpedo men. So they opened up a torpedo tube and pushed him in, head first.

They opened up a vent so they could see if they could hear him in case he freaked out too badly. He did a lot of yelling, but it didn't sound like he was losing his marbles, just really pissed off. After a while, he was quiet, so they got a little worried and opened the tube door.

There he was, laying in the tube, looking straight at them! Somehow he'd managed to make a u-turn in the dark, inside of a 21" dia. torpedo tube!! Later on, when I heard about it, all of the torpedo men swore to the same story, and he even confirmed it!
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Old 26-03-2020, 06:15   #8993
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Re: The New Joke Thread




Hotel vouchers?? Screw that! Let them sleep on the floor of the airport for 3 days, like they do to all of us!
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Old 26-03-2020, 06:52   #8994
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by smbdyiam2 View Post
I are getting so good at this anti social distasting that My wife hasn't talked to me for 2 days.
My wife and I are doing well, but were just wondering if the divorce rate will spike as a result of this crisis.
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Old 26-03-2020, 06:55   #8995
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of ol Jerry...

One day we were pulled into the Philippines, drinking beers on the beach and Jerry had his shirt off. He had a lot of blonde chest hair, so I grabbed a handful and said, "If I yank these out and count them, will it be odd or even?"

Jerry casually replied, "It don't matter, you won't live long enough to get to five." That's what I always liked about Jerry, his honesty.

When I let go, I noticed he had a pretty good sized indentation on his breastbone. I asked him what caused it and he said, "That's the bullet hole where I got shot." Me, "No effing way!" "Yup, it matches the scars on my hand where the bullet passed through." Me, "GTFO! Who shot you?" "My idiot cousin." So I asked him to tell me the whole story.

When he was a kid in AZ, his dad would let him go rabbit hunting with a .22 rifle. He'd give him 10 bullets and say, "Don't waste these, when you get back, you better have a rabbit for every missing bullet." So Jerry and his cousin went off hiking through the arroyos and washes looking for small game. His cousin was in front and spotted a rabbit, shot at it but missed. The bullet ricocheted off a rock, came back and hit Jerry in the back of his hand, which he was using to scratch his chest. The bullet passed through his hand and lodged in his breastbone, which started to squirt blood, so Jerry stuck his finger in the bullet hole. Then he told his cousin, "You just shot me, dumbass!" "No way!"" Jerry pulled his finger out, and his cousin saw the blood start spurting.

So the cousin took Jerry's gun, Jerry kept his middle finger of his right hand in the hole in his chest, and kept two fingers of his left hand pinched tight over the hole in his right hand, which was now starting to bleed at a pretty good pace.

They hustled back to Jerry's house and as soon as they came inside, Jerry's aunt asked, "What are you boys doing back home so soon?" Jerry said, "Your dumbshit son shot me." "What??" So Jerry pulled his finger out of his chest hole and when she saw it start squirting, she passed out and crumpled to the floor in the dining room.

Jerry's mom yells out from the kitchen, "What kind of foolishness are you two numbnuts up to now?" Jerry tells her, "Well, he shot me in the chest, and aunt Jane passed out when she saw the blood." She comes out of the kitchen, sees her sister passed out on the floor, looks at the blood all over Jerry's shirt and yells, "Jerry Wayne! You best not be bleeding on my living room carpet!" "No ma'am!" She starts barking orders. "You! Drag your mom out to the car, put her in the back seat and sit next to her, hold her up! Jerry, get in the front seat!"

So they take off to go see the Dr. and when they arrive, the Dr. says, "What do we have here?" Jerry's mom tells him, "She's fainted, but Jerry has a bullet in his chest." The Dr. says, "Say what? A bullet?" Jerry pulls his finger out and blood again starts spurting out of his chest. The Dr. says, "OK, keep your finger in the hole! I'll look at Jerry first, her later." He takes him in and x-rays his chest and hand. The Dr. tells him, "You were lucky you were scratching your chest at the time, the bullet had lost enough velocity from ricocheting and passing through your hand that it's lodged right under the skin. You also got lucky, the bullet passed between the bones of your hand with no permanent damage, I'll just clean it up and put a couple stitches on each side to close the wounds."

So the Dr. gave him a couple of shots to numb him up and pulled the bullet out and he got a few stitches here and there. He ended up with a really cool scar and a funny story!
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Old 26-03-2020, 07:19   #8996
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of divorce...

I used to go to Havasu in the summer to check out the boats, babes and get drunk all day. In the late afternoon, a lot of the locals come down to the the launch ramp to see everyone try to retrieve their $250k performance boats. Either the husband or wife stays on the boat and circles by the ramp while the spouse makes the long walk over to the truck and tries to back the trailer straight down a 4 lane boat ramp while they're hot, tired, sunburned and drunk.

The bigger clowns in the crowd have cards all made up, from 1 to 10 to grade just how bad the divorce is gonna be. More often than not, the boater is fighting the wind from one direction, the current from the other direction, while yelling directions at the spouse who's all crossed up backing down the ramp while both parties are hot, sticky, tired, pissed and drunk.

It only takes a minute or two before the yelling starts. "IF you don't STFU right NOW, I swear to GOD I'm gonna leave the truck on the ramp and file for divorce before you get the boat out of the water!!"

Then the crowd on shore cheers and 7 - 10 clowns stand up and show their ratings with the cards! Fun stuff in the summer!
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Old 26-03-2020, 11:29   #8997
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Re: The New Joke Thread

doing the anti social distance thing I went back to look at green house today.
Weeds took it over.
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Old 26-03-2020, 11:56   #8998
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by belizesailor View Post
My wife and I are doing well, but were just wondering if the divorce rate will spike as a result of this crisis.
Maybe the birth rate will spike in nine months.
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Old 26-03-2020, 12:45   #8999
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Maybe the birth rate will spike in nine months.
And thus the population of single moms!
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Old 26-03-2020, 13:12   #9000
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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My wife and I are doing well, but were just wondering if the divorce rate will spike as a result of this crisis.
different minds etc. I was not thinking about divorce as result of sickness. I was thinking more on number of widows and widowers.
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