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Old 24-03-2020, 09:16   #8956
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
They're now doing topless food delivery. ...
Won't the uncovered food get cold?
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Old 24-03-2020, 10:12   #8957
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state?

It Quackulates!!
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Old 24-03-2020, 10:18   #8958
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy and a girl are on a date and they walk past a pond full of swans...

The girl says, "Hey, I gotta tell you I can talk to animals."

So the guy is like, "No way that's insane, prove it!"

So the girl turns towards the pond and yells, "HEY SWANS, I GOT SOME BREAD CRUMBS HERE FOR YOU!"
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Old 24-03-2020, 10:25   #8959
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I knew a girl that was a real witch.

Out for a ride and she ===Turned into a Motel
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Old 24-03-2020, 13:18   #8960
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile in COVID-19 Britain


I don't think it's going to be that hard to stay 6 feet away from my wife during the outbreak...that's 94 feet closer than the restraining order says.

I looked into her eyes, deep into the emerald green, my heart fluttered, I felt a connection, something deeper, something magical, I was transported to another place and I thought, blimey these binoculars are brilliant.

In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

Our Grandparents were called to war. We're being asked to
practice social distancing and stop hoarding toilet paper.

Things I thought I would never say: “Caitlin, let your grandfather
try the game so he can beat that level for you.”
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Old 24-03-2020, 13:26   #8961
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Re: The New Joke Thread

a sign of the times

please do not enter bank with out Mask and gloves.

Over heard on corner. one street walker to another " Who was that masked man?"

No you can not go to school today!!
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Old 24-03-2020, 13:31   #8962
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Re: The New Joke Thread

We are told to stay home. I just saw my neighbor mow my lawn, Then go next door and mow my other neighbors lawn.

Am I supposed to report this ?

Is this a 911 call?
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Old 24-03-2020, 13:52   #8963
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Here’s a real joke. Who talks like this.....

https://youtu.be/Df2Nh0qL0ZM

I had to listen to it 3 times to make any sense of it.
Give it a try!

Three times and you still didn't bother to read the critical information that answers your question. (and perhaps also answers the implied question in your remarks.)


Millian Quinteros is who talks like that! And I would be willing to bet that everyone named Millian Quinteros not only talks like that, but also makes just as much sense!
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Old 24-03-2020, 14:24   #8964
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
Hey, SVM! Were you there that night?
Can you remember what I did with my wallet? I haven't seen it since...
Thought maybe the bear et it..??
Don't want to be accused of spreading rumors, so this is just between you and me, right? See, that bear is known to slip a bit of cash out of guy's wallets if they've had a few too many, if you follow. Nothing provable, of course, but occasionally mentioned over a morning cup of coffee. Folks say that the proof is obvious: the steady delivery of Amazon packages containing salmon or honey when she has no provable source of income. Some people claim that somebody submitted Freedom Of Information Act requests that have shown she never applied for unemployment insurance nor food stamps nor other forms of gov't assistance. So where does the money come from? All speculation so far, of course.

But no, sir. Nobody to date has ever accused the bear of stealing somebody's wallet. Have you talked with Janet? The girl who usually works the crowd on weekends? She's been known to be a bit light-fingered. Many times we've heard the cry of "Damn it, Janet"!

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Old 24-03-2020, 14:31   #8965
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why not....

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Old 24-03-2020, 15:48   #8966
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yeah, I know this is the wrong thread for it, and maybe the wrong forum as well, but with all of our jokes (mine included) about COVID-19 and panic buying I thought this image of a real Panic Buyer, somebody actually crying over the situation, could use some exposure. So sue me.
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Old 24-03-2020, 15:58   #8967
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Day 20 of quarantine, the 10 miles of walking around the house 3 times a day is taking its toll
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Old 24-03-2020, 16:05   #8968
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To make a authentic Chinese rice, first make sure to thoroughly wash the chicken
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Old 24-03-2020, 16:06   #8969
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Re: The New Joke Thread

monkey / football
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Old 24-03-2020, 16:07   #8970
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