The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[StuM]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Think I've have a low cal breakfast today.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Wotname

Here you go https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warp_drive
But in essence, Warp 9 = ~1516 times the speed of light - so pretty fast!

Warp 9.9 is considered the best a standard Warp drive can deliver, to go faster, you need to upgrade to a TransWarp drive or better.

Now back to jokes

I had a warp speed button installed on my vessel, but it was made in North Korea.

[TrentePieds]

Wrong fred,Sorry :-)

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

I just got home from a close friends funeral, he drowned last week while out sailing...


I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

[LakeSuperior]

I mentioned to a sailing buddy that, “I hadn’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”


The friend said, “Why not?”


I said, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

[LakeSuperior]

I was doing an overnight sailing trip away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to send a couple messages. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What’s the WiFi password?"


Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.


Me: Okay, I’ll have a beer.


Bartender: We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.


Me: Sure. How much is that?


Bartender: $8.00.


Me: Okay, here you go. What’s the WiFi password?


Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.

[JohnT]

A new man is brought into a prison cell. Already there is a long-time resident who looks like he's a hundred years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a luxury boat and a big yacht, many fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of Europe."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

[D&D]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which reads:

"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:
"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa, Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say:

"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

[GILow]

[vonotto]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a lake?





Bob.




That still cracks me up.

[Buzzman]

What do you call......

- A Man in a tree?

Russell

- A Man with a shovel?

Doug

- A Man without a shovel?

Douglas

- An Irish electrician?

Shaun D'Lear