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Old 05-07-2018, 11:44   #3046
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by a64pilot View Post
Zoom lines?
another name for
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_lines
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Old 06-07-2018, 06:20   #3047
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”


Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.
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Old 06-07-2018, 06:20   #3048
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.


We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”
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Old 06-07-2018, 15:45   #3049
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state. We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”


California into 3 states? Have you checked the proposed map?

1) Northern California - The region with the best weed and wine. (And LOTS of water.)

2) Southern California - The region with most of the agriculture & LOTS of desert. (And a dearth of water.)

3) California - The region with..... Well, what? Hollywood? (And zero water, no food resources, and, well... they DO have most of the San Andreas Fault line running right through the area. Sorry about that, Santa Barbara. It was nice visiting you.)

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Old 06-07-2018, 16:25   #3050
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Riding up the mountain pass I noticed my wife had fallen off her horse. Well, that explains a lot. Thought I'd gone deaf an hour ago.
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Old 06-07-2018, 17:50   #3051
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Warp......it's an adjective describing some of our member's sense of humor!
I resemble that remark!!
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Old 07-07-2018, 16:38   #3052
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hypnotist at the Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"****" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.



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Old 08-07-2018, 18:20   #3053
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is......I have another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it, doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf-course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parking the car: and, every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
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Old 13-07-2018, 09:25   #3054
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 13-07-2018, 09:28   #3055
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Wish to Live Forever

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.


“I wish to live forever,” I said.


“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!”


“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.
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Old 13-07-2018, 09:30   #3056
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Old 13-07-2018, 09:32   #3057
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Old 13-07-2018, 09:35   #3058
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Married guys know this one...

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Old 13-07-2018, 09:36   #3059
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Old 13-07-2018, 09:38   #3060
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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