If a man is standing all alone in the middle of a forest and he says something - Is he still wrong?
(Tried that one on a female friend and she said "What was he doing in the forest on his own?")
A woodworm walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender
Two cowboys were discussing the best treatment for chapped lips. The younger of the two admitted to using a lip balm.
The older, a grizzled veteran of many years on the range said "Boy, when I get off my horse and tie him to the rail I walk round to the back end, lift
his tail, and plant a kiss right on his anus."
Shocked the younger cowboy said "Does that cure chapped lips?".
"No," said the oldster, "but it sure stops me licking them."
Two aerials got married. The wedding wasn't all that great but the reception
Puns are well known for eliciting a groan so there was a research
programme launched where ten of the best jokes in the world and ten of the best puns would provoke a reaction when told to an audience by professional comedians. As it turned out all of the jokes got a laugh but no pun in ten did.
(The ten best jokes in the world are so funny
that anyone hearing them dies laughing. That's why I haven't listed them here.)
I sold my vacuum cleaner on ebay last week. Well, it was just gathering dust.
I was sitting in the local cemetry the other day, just watching the wildlife and generally contemplating the universe when a funeral procession went past. Ten minutes later they came back, still carrying the coffin. Then they went past me again. I remember thinking "These guys have lost
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because it would look silly with four inches.
After six months the new recruit to the foreign legion was feeling frustrated and horny. He asked some of his fellow soldiers how they coped. One of the sergeants said "Lad, when we can't cope with it any more we just use the camel."
A few days later the sergeant sees the recruit in the hospital. He's in a bad way. Missing an ear, a broken arm, black eyes and multiple cuts. "What happened to you, lad?" asks the sergeant.
"Well, I was feeling so horny and decided to take your advice and use the camel" replied the recruit. "Only the camel didn't seem to like it much."
Shaking his head
in disbelief the sergeant replies "We use the camel to ride into town......"
How many californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one but the light bulb must really want to change.
Why doesn't the can state "May contain worms?"
The new public safety
campaign was aimed at improving road safety
for pedestrians. "If you're going out after dark tonight - be safe - be bright - be seen. Wear something light".
Out went Fred, having put on his white trainers, white socks, white jeans, white coat, white scarf, white gloves, and white hat.
He's the first man in England
ever to have been run down by a snowplough.
(for our american cousins pedestrians are normal sane rational individuals that choose to walk between two points for pleasure even though they own a car.)