The New Joke Thread

[ahun]

The funniest I have seen these days:

[twohapence]

If a man is standing all alone in the middle of a forest and he says something - Is he still wrong?


(Tried that one on a female friend and she said "What was he doing in the forest on his own?")
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A woodworm walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
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Two cowboys were discussing the best treatment for chapped lips. The younger of the two admitted to using a lip balm.



The older, a grizzled veteran of many years on the range said "Boy, when I get off my horse and tie him to the rail I walk round to the back end, lift his tail, and plant a kiss right on his anus."



Shocked the younger cowboy said "Does that cure chapped lips?".



"No," said the oldster, "but it sure stops me licking them."
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Two aerials got married. The wedding wasn't all that great but the reception was fabulous.
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Puns are well known for eliciting a groan so there was a research programme launched where ten of the best jokes in the world and ten of the best puns would provoke a reaction when told to an audience by professional comedians. As it turned out all of the jokes got a laugh but no pun in ten did.


(The ten best jokes in the world are so funny that anyone hearing them dies laughing. That's why I haven't listed them here.)
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I sold my vacuum cleaner on ebay last week. Well, it was just gathering dust.
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I was sitting in the local cemetry the other day, just watching the wildlife and generally contemplating the universe when a funeral procession went past. Ten minutes later they came back, still carrying the coffin. Then they went past me again. I remember thinking "These guys have lost the plot."
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Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because it would look silly with four inches.
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After six months the new recruit to the foreign legion was feeling frustrated and horny. He asked some of his fellow soldiers how they coped. One of the sergeants said "Lad, when we can't cope with it any more we just use the camel."


A few days later the sergeant sees the recruit in the hospital. He's in a bad way. Missing an ear, a broken arm, black eyes and multiple cuts. "What happened to you, lad?" asks the sergeant.



"Well, I was feeling so horny and decided to take your advice and use the camel" replied the recruit. "Only the camel didn't seem to like it much."


Shaking his head in disbelief the sergeant replies "We use the camel to ride into town......"



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How many californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one but the light bulb must really want to change.


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Why doesn't the can state "May contain worms?"
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The new public safety campaign was aimed at improving road safety for pedestrians. "If you're going out after dark tonight - be safe - be bright - be seen. Wear something light".



Out went Fred, having put on his white trainers, white socks, white jeans, white coat, white scarf, white gloves, and white hat.



He's the first man in England ever to have been run down by a snowplough.



(for our american cousins pedestrians are normal sane rational individuals that choose to walk between two points for pleasure even though they own a car.) (Kidding. Mostly)

[twohapence]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

What do you call......

- A Man in a tree?

Russell

- A Man with a shovel?

Doug

- A Man without a shovel?

Douglas

- An Irish electrician?

Shaun D'Lear

- A man in a bog?


Pete


- A man with a seagull on his head?


Cliff


- A mexican discharged from hospital?


Manuel


- A man with a wig on his head?


Aaron


- A man with a car on his head?


Jack


- A man that can't stand up?


Neil


Do you surrender yet? I have more.

[Buzzman]

Man with no arms and legs, swimming

Bob

[Sojourner]

Not mine, but one of my partners'....she does it in a great pirate accent, so you have to imagine that:

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a hook for an arm, and an eye patch. Bartender asks him, man, what happened to your leg?
Pirate says, yarrr, I fell off me ship, and a sharrrk bit it off.
Bartender slides him a rum. Wow, that's rough, this is on the house. How about your arm?
Pirate says, yarrrrrr I lost it in a duel with a fellow buccaneer....
Bartender: oh boy, here's another drink for ya. I gotta ask, how about the eye?
Pirate: yarrrrrrrrrrrrr a birrrrrd shat it in.
Bartender: A bird? Really? That seems a bit weird.....
Pirate: yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr twas me firrrst day with me hook

[twohapence]

IT joke.......



What goes "Pieces of seven. Pieces of seven." ?


Parroty error.

[CatNewBee]

https://youtu.be/Q8pNh6LqFh8
https://youtu.be/ZctZRm0_chQ

[JohnT]

Shame! It is similar to an American crew member I had on board about 6 years ago. When he heard some ships in the South Atlantic talking Spanish, he got all excited and said they were talking Mexican. I tried to correct him and was told I had no idea what language they were talking - it was Mexican! And he was 47 years old! What a shame! What a joke!

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by CatNewBee

https://youtu.be/Q8pNh6LqFh8
https://youtu.be/ZctZRm0_chQ

Just... wow. Almost a million views for one vid, million and a half for the other. If she monetized her videos the pennies will add up, and as she creates more "content" (i.e. videos) and develops a larger viewship count (viewship: coined here).... Well then, sailors: that young lassie is teaching us how to replenish the sailing kitty from distant ports o'call.

Test question for the day: How do we folk on the wrong side of 60 capitalize on this thing? My only answer is to get my granddaughter and her girlfriend back aboard, sit one of ém down in front of the laptop camera and.... Well, that's where the thought process trails off. Damn.... I feel like such a dinosaur.

Sorry.... No joke in that.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by twohapence

- A man in a bog?


Pete

.....


Do you surrender yet? I have more.

- A man with a rabbit up his bum?

Warren.

[Buzzman]

Man with a needle in his hand?

Lance

[john61ct]

That poppet's taking the p1ss.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Test question for the day: How do we folk on the wrong side of 60 capitalize on this thing? My only answer is to get my granddaughter and her girlfriend back aboard, sit one of ém down in front of the laptop camera and.... Well, that's where the thought process trails off. Damn.... I feel like such a dinosaur.

The problem is, your grandaughter and her girlfriend would have to have real talent. The Our Third Life team are brilliant satirists. Ideas, scripting and acting are all first class.

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by twohapence

IT joke.......



What goes "Pieces of seven. Pieces of seven." ?


Parroty error.

That’s unbelievably awful. THANKS!!!

[dfelsent]

a man in a pot of hot water?

Stew

Hanging on a wall

Art

Water skiing?
Skip

With no legs propped up in a corner?
Neil

Six feet under ground?
Phil

Anchored on a race course?
Mark


In front of a doorway?
Matt

A woman with on leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

In a pile of leaves?
Russel

There are more!!!