The New Joke Thread

[Jim Cate]

Damn but I miss Gary Larson... no one has really taken his place. Hope he is enjoying retirement... maybe out cruising!

Jim

[aquadreams]

For those needed a Far Side fix, there is a Facebook group that circulates Far Side cartoons. The camel with the "I'd Rather Be Sailing" bumper sticker was posted there just yesterday.

The Far Side: Reloaded, Rebooted
https://www.facebook.com/groups/373473983047721/

[LakeSuperior]

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

[Dreaming Yachtsman]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio die and go to heaven. On their way they talk:
Cinderella: "I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world"
Superman: "I want to be remembered as the strongest person in the world"
Pinocchio: "I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world"
It's Cinderella's turn to enter the reception room.
She goes into the room and comes out smiling, saying "It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!"
Then goes Superman. He goes into the room and comes out happy, saying "It's done. I'm the strongest person in the world!"
Last, out comes Pinocchio, angrily he says: "Damn! who's this Donald guy?!?!"

Wait, this is supposed to be a joke thread! "Damn! who's this Donald guy?!?!" is too true to be a joke!

[JPA Cate]

No, it works for any politician, or so I am told.

Ann

[LakeSuperior]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, *******!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.


Einstein would think this is a relatively good joke.
But Niels would find it bohring.
Edison had stolen it.
It’ll keep you laughing Faraday.
Tesla finds these comments shocking.
Newton would feel forced to laugh.
The pressure was too high for Pascal.
Bernoullie is just going with the flow.
Eventually they were let go because the cop thought them each a Feynman.

Neitzsche declares that this joke is dead.

[Olddan1943]

LakeSuperior, Yes, I understood the joke but, it gave me a headache.
Do you get many groans when you tell that joke?

[LakeSuperior]

Originally Posted by Olddan1943

LakeSuperior, Yes, I understood the joke but, it gave me a headache.
Do you get many groans when you tell that joke?

First rule of jokes is to "know thy audience." Sometimes the reason for posting a joke on CF is to get it entered into the record.

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

First rule of jokes is to "know thy audience." Sometimes the reason for posting a joke on CF is to get it entered into the record.

I thought it was funny

[Therapy]

. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[Therapy]

There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[JPA Cate]

Thanks, guys. Nice to see y'all playing!

[StuM]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car.

That's gotta be the geek joke of the week!

[LakeSuperior]

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

[D&D]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."