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Old 27-03-2017, 19:22   #2071
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by StuM View Post
If you ever go to a hotel that offers continental breakfast, make sure they specify which continent because penguin tastes of sh*t.
Not so.... penguin tastes of fish

http://www.snopes.com/penguintastesofshitmyth/
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Old 27-03-2017, 19:35   #2072
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Meanwhile another 'true fact' about penguins .

If you bite a penguin's head off it neither bleeds nor falls over.....

Doesn't bleed cos the blood is below freezing which also means you don't have to keep dead penguins in the 'fridge.

Ping, penguin expert.
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Old 27-03-2017, 19:41   #2073
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Oh heck no! There's like, 200 actionable safety violations in that photo!

And on the other side, operating a breaker hammer is a union job. Operating the extension cord is a separate union job. Removing material from the hole is a third union job. Maintaining the tools is yet another union job. Then you'd need a trailer for a break room, toilets, showers. Attendants for same... yeah, bringing a power tool into it makes this a million dollar job, at least.

BTW: I own that exact Bosch breaker hammer. It is the most phallic tool that I own. In fact, I should be using it today, but have been procrastinating.
And people wonder why our country is in deep financial doo doo...
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Old 27-03-2017, 19:49   #2074
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Ok, here we go on yet another foray into the depths of totally useless trivia.

An interesting read about the Belgica which was stranded over winter of 1897 in the Antarctic: Antarctic Explorers: Adrien de Gerlache

""If it's possible to imagine a piece of beef, odiferous cod fish and a canvas-backed duck roasted together in a pot, with blood and cod-liver oil for sauce, the illustration would be complete""

This may be why they taste like that: Penguins - GIF on Imgur
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Old 27-03-2017, 21:16   #2075
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Let's play what's my line!



.
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Old 27-03-2017, 21:40   #2076
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Re: The New Joke Thread

School crossing guard
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Old 27-03-2017, 22:09   #2077
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Nowhere did Gerlache say it tasted like ****... he said it tasted like 'a piece of beef, odiferous cod fish and a canvas-backed duck roasted together in a pot, with blood and cod-liver oil for sauce'....

Put that on the menu in a Norwegian restaurant and they would be queued up down the street and around the corner...

Norway... the land gave us cod's tongue.....
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Old 27-03-2017, 22:12   #2078
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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School crossing guard
Can you imagine driving up on something like that.... then it moves! 😳
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Old 27-03-2017, 22:28   #2079
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Surstromming:

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Old 27-03-2017, 22:30   #2080
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Can you imagine driving up on something like that.... then it moves! 😳
Well, it would be tough to know which way to steer.
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Old 28-03-2017, 05:14   #2081
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This thread needs more jokes.
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Old 28-03-2017, 05:51   #2082
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I hope I remembered to put on the parking break.
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Old 28-03-2017, 05:52   #2083
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yes, Dear, I did lock the gate......
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Old 28-03-2017, 09:12   #2084
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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The first two though I can attest to. When I was first stationed at Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah, all the coke machines were placed behind chain like barricades, cause a stupid I assume drunk soldier did tip one over one himself after it didn't vend the coke. Those things do weigh something like a half a ton loaded. I'd bet that they are still behind those chains.

Ten years or so later at aerial gunnery at Ft Hood Tx. We were waiting our turn to go down range and were sitting in our folding camp chairs. Someone thought it would be cute to grade the landings so we made signs with numbers like the Olympic judges use.
Anyway we were sitting there and an AH-64 flew by with two pressed hams in the windows. In the Apache you are separated by six feet or so and a "blast shield", the front seater can only see the guy in back through a small mirror. So they had decided to moon the judges, but had not decided on who would moon. Fortunately the AH-64 is a very stable aircraft and there was no accident. Joke for years was how would the Accident board explain two dead pilots with the flights suits around their knees.
Perfect case of the breakdown of aircrew coordination.


There was an episode on Myth Busters ref the JATO car
Aren't flight suits one piece? That takes some serious dedication to the art of the pressed ham.
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Old 28-03-2017, 09:37   #2085
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by SFS View Post
This thread needs more jokes.
Not jokes, but one can laugh at themselves.

18 of Murphy's Laws...


1.Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
pee.

2.Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.

3.Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that
an item won't work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking --
A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!

18.Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.
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