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Old 04-06-2018, 07:26   #2971
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The wife said: "Here's $20, go get the dog a warm jacket. If there's any money left over, get yourself a beer .............."
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Old 04-06-2018, 15:56   #2972
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face, "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted...
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Old 05-06-2018, 16:03   #2973
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin
Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell
who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll
ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the
other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no
fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed
into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS
CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS
WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE
GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have
the white one"


...and for the PC freaks out there, feel free to substitute "Irishmen" with anything that doesn't offend you...although you may then of course need to rework the (admittedly very poor!) accent-affected speech...

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Old 06-06-2018, 00:10   #2974
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lol, can't wait to tell my Irish friends
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Old 06-06-2018, 17:02   #2975
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Re: The New Joke Thread

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard Is he here?"

“No, he went with Mom and Dad”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
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Old 06-06-2018, 17:44   #2976
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin
Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell
who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll
ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the
other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no
fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed
into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS
CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS
WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE
GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have
the white one"


...and for the PC freaks out there, feel free to substitute "Irishmen" with anything that doesn't offend you...although you may then of course need to rework the (admittedly very poor!) accent-affected speech...

"You rackin' frackin' varmint!" As Yosemite Sam was wont to say.

I'm offended that you tried to preempt folk from being offended because jokes now seem to require a "do not be offended" disclaimer lest the PC folk be offended!


[Please do not be offended, D&D, as I'm only using your non-offensive post for non-offensive purposes to make a non-offensive point aboout some piddling point or tóther. (Sorry, Canadian readers, but I misspelled "äbout" without deliberately meaning to stereotype a Canadian accent. Oops...) So anyway... ]



When I say whoa, I mean whoa! Dagnabbit!
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Old 06-06-2018, 17:57   #2977
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yosemite Sam, no smoking please.
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Old 09-06-2018, 05:26   #2978
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why did the computer programmer mistake Halloween for Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

I hope that offended someone. And if you get that you're probably not out on the water enjoying yourself.
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Old 09-06-2018, 05:43   #2979
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I guess that sums it up nicely...
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Old 09-06-2018, 18:53   #2980
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epicurean View Post
Why did the computer programmer mistake Halloween for Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

OK, so not being a computer programmer.....

As our flame-headed Oxley-moron once so inelegantly queried: "Please explain?"
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Old 09-06-2018, 18:57   #2981
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
OK, so not being a computer programmer.....

As our flame-headed Oxley-moron once so inelegantly queried: "Please explain?"
Different number systems: Octal 31 == 3x8+1; same number as Decimal 25 == 2x10+5
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Old 09-06-2018, 19:03   #2982
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hmmmm..... Clearly you believe that answers my question.....

LOL

Expansion required. Feeling particularly thick this morning. Must be the fog in my head....
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Old 09-06-2018, 19:23   #2983
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
Hmmmm..... Clearly you believe that answers my question.....

LOL

Expansion required. Feeling particularly thick this morning. Must be the fog in my head....
DECimal is a base 10 numbering system, you count to 9 then add a digit "1" in the 10s place and the 1s place rolls back to "0"

OCTal is a base 8 numbering system: you count to 7 then add a digit "1" in the 10s place and the 1s place rolls back to "0"

OCT-DEC
01 01
02 02
03 03
04 04
05 05
06 06
07 07
10 08
11 09
12 10
13 11
14 12
15 13
16 14
17 15
20 16
21 17
22 18
23 19
24 20
25 21
26 22
27 23
30 24
31 25

Binary (Base 2[0,1]) and Hexadecimal (base 16 [1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0,A,B,C,D,E,F]) are numbering systems commonly used in computing.
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Old 09-06-2018, 19:27   #2984
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is funny?
One of you guys Sheldon Cooper?
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Old 09-06-2018, 19:31   #2985
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BAR JOKES

A priest, pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.
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