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Old 04-12-2017, 22:23   #2671
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
Nope, there's only two types of people in the world....

Me, and...

the rest of you crazy sumbitches.

Well stated.

Kind of like anyone driving slower than you is stupid and anyone driving faster than you is an idiot
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:38   #2672
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yea!
Nothing but stupid idiots out there.
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:49   #2673
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Apologies to accountants, especially mine. You guys rock, woohoo!

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor’s parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question “How are you?” in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
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Old 05-12-2017, 14:01   #2674
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some current events...
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Old 05-12-2017, 14:02   #2675
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Not surprised...

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Old 05-12-2017, 14:03   #2676
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Re: The New Joke Thread

He's currently in the ER...

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Old 05-12-2017, 14:04   #2677
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Re: The New Joke Thread

George was pretty smart...

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Old 05-12-2017, 14:04   #2678
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 05-12-2017, 14:05   #2679
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Old 05-12-2017, 14:06   #2680
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Truth...


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Old 05-12-2017, 14:07   #2681
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Somewhere in N. Korea...


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Old 05-12-2017, 14:08   #2682
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quite a difference...

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Old 05-12-2017, 14:09   #2683
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Engineer cooks dinner...


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Old 05-12-2017, 14:09   #2684
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Old 05-12-2017, 14:10   #2685
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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