The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Sorry if this was previously posted.... {Baltimore: Largest city in the USA state of Maryland.}

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Baltimore all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking. He said, "Oh, thank you! I've been worried to death. But if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Eigenvector]

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
8. No, you are too young and beautiful for me.

[LakeSuperior]

You know you can fit any boat on your head?

Just flip it upside down. That makes it capsized.

[GordMay]

DID YOU EVER WONDER?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would the headlights still work?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If your legs bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear?

Why do they call them "Free Gifts"? Aren't all gifts free?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Where do forest rangers go to "Get away from it all"?

Whatever happened to Preparation A through G?

If a cow laughed hard, would milk come out of her nose?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

If we're here to help other people, what are the other people here for?

Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do we say "Something is out of whack". What is a whack?

Why do "Tug" boats "Push their barges?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Why are they called "apartments" when they're stuck together?

Why there isn't a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same?

What's the difference between flammable and inflammable?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages when its just stale bread to begin with ?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If people from Poland are called "poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Was it a cruel joke to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why can't women remember to leave the lid up?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Why do you park on driveways and drive on parkways?

What's the difference between null and void?

Why do hysterectomies happen to her and hernias happen to him?

Why do they call them buildings? Shouldn't they be called builts?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What's another word for synonym?

What did they go back to before they invented drawing boards?

Is it possible to have a civil war?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why aren't hemorrhoids called asteroids?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is this a hostage situation?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why the alphabet is in that order?

What do batteries run on?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What keeps electricity in the wall?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

What is the speed of dark?

Who was the first person to eat an oyster?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

[K_V_B]

Originally Posted by GordMay

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would the headlights still work?

Interestingly, yes. And thinking about that is how Einstein (who was quite the humorist) came up with relativity...

[LakeSuperior]

Originally Posted by K_V_B

Interestingly, yes. And thinking about that is how Einstein (who was quite the humorist) came up with relativity...

More interestingly, the headlights would work in the drivers frame of reference but not for an observer watching the car come toward him.

[woodenboats]

While travelling at the speed of light time stops, so no, they don't work.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by woodenboats

While travelling at the speed of light time stops, so no, they don't work.

But the speed of light is 300,000 km/s (186,000 mi/s), meaning the distance traveled in a certain period of time, so time doesn't stop or the meaning is irrelevant, but the theory of relativity explains that because otherwise there wouldn't be wormholes for the Enterprise to traverse because in the space time continuum (the three dimensions of space and the one dimension of time combined into a single four-dimensional continuum), which is mathematically calculable, is one thing but in a relativistic universe time cannot be separated from the three dimensions of space (hence the so-called theory of relativity relates to a relativistic universe) and therefore.....

Ummm... Where was I?

<sigh> Think I'll just go have a beer.....

[Eigenvector]

Like when you all go to the bar, and then they bring one check.

[Dave_S]

Originally Posted by svmariane

But the speed of light is 300,000 km/s (186,000 mi/s), meaning the distance traveled in a certain period of time, so time doesn't stop or the meaning is irrelevant, but the theory of relativity explains that because otherwise there wouldn't be wormholes for the Enterprise to traverse because in the space time continuum (the three dimensions of space and the one dimension of time combined into a single four-dimensional continuum), which is mathematically calculable, is one thing but in a relativistic universe time cannot be separated from the three dimensions of space (hence the so-called theory of relativity relates to a relativistic universe) and therefore.....

Ummm... Where was I?

<sigh> Think I'll just go have a beer.....

What if it is time that has multiple dimensions.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Dave_S

What if it is time that has multiple dimensions.

Then maybe: Three time dimensions in six-dimensional relativity

[GordMay]

Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio die and go to heaven. On their way they talk:
Cinderella: "I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world"
Superman: "I want to be remembered as the strongest person in the world"
Pinocchio: "I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world"
It's Cinderella's turn to enter the reception room.
She goes into the room and comes out smiling, saying "It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!"
Then goes Superman. He goes into the room and comes out happy, saying "It's done. I'm the strongest person in the world!"
Last, out comes Pinocchio, angrily he says: "Damn! who's this Donald guy?!?!"

[D&D]

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Some years ago Adam ate the apple.

Men will never learn!

[D&D]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful
to me?”


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always
for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the
mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and
the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”


Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you
for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went
to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at
no charge."



"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

[aquadreams]

A relevant Far Side cartoon...