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Old 10-12-2015, 13:37   #796
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Canibul View Post
... I'm just glad he didn't write the one about what you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with a Chinese.
The following jokes contain material which may be considered offensive to people of all and any race, sex, age, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, etc.
Please don't take any of them seriously; they're just a play on false stereotypes.

What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Chinaman?
A car thief who can't drive.


What do you call a Puerto Rican with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

An Asian, a Black, and a Mexican are in a car ... who's driving?
A policeman.

What is the difference between an American and Yogurt?
If you leave the Yogurt out long enough it will develop a culture.

Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to take the Alamo?
So they could have four clean walls to write on.

***

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
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Old 10-12-2015, 14:02   #797
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by jeanathon View Post
Svmarine you'll get the thread shut down for not following the be nice rule!
<sniffle>
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Old 10-12-2015, 14:37   #798
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You know, I really miss having Coops' participation - that easy-going and delightful sense of humour just made morning coffee time so much, well, nicer. <sigh> Not meaning to start anything here, but this is one of Coops' lifted directly from The Joke Thread :


Possibly an old one, but here it is ...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!" "No matter" said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied "... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!"

WAIT! WAIT! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but... "HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER".

Coops.
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Old 11-12-2015, 02:02   #799
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Well, you asked for it...







How do you get to Carnegie Hall?


































































Take a cab, like every other New Yorker.
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Old 11-12-2015, 05:36   #800
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Know the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic shellfisherman?

Well, the fisherman shucks between fits.....
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Old 11-12-2015, 07:53   #801
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An old joke:

"Some provincial man has come to Rome, and walking on the streets was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks:

-Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime?

The reply was:

-She never has. But my father frequently was here."

The Elder Julia (promiscuous daughter of the emperor Augustus) on Sex and Pregnancy

"And when those who knew of her infidelities were amazed how she, who was so free of her favors, bore children who looked like [her husband] Agrippa, she said: “I never take a passenger on board until the ship is full [of cargo]”

Another old joke:
"A man from Kyme was trying to sell some honey. When someone came and tasted it and said that it was very good, the seller said: “Well, yes: if a mouse hadn’t fallen in it, I wouldn’t be selling it!”

And one more:

Nicarchus on the Imperial Power of Farts

"A fart which cannot find an outlet kills many a man; a fart also saves, sending forth its lisping music. Therefore if a fart saves, and on the other hand kills, a fart has the same power as kings."

Ok, one more ancient joke:

A Pointy-Headed Intellectual

"A professor on a sea-voyage, when there was a big storm and his slaves were weeping, said: “Don’t cry. I’ve set you all free in my will.”
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Old 11-12-2015, 08:14   #802
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A good political joke to end with:

Cicero on Caesar

". . . greeted by a certain Andron from Laodicea, he asked what had brought him to Rome and, hearing that the man had come as an envoy to Caesar to beg freedom for his city, he made open reference to the servile state of Rome by saying, in Greek: “If you are successful, put in a word for us too.”
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Old 11-12-2015, 10:16   #803
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ribbit View Post
A good political joke to end with:



Cicero on Caesar



". . . greeted by a certain Andron from Laodicea, he asked what had brought him to Rome and, hearing that the man had come as an envoy to Caesar to beg freedom for his city, he made open reference to the servile state of Rome by saying, in Greek: “If you are successful, put in a word for us too.”

I love it! Here's a transcript of a trial during the persecution of Diocletian.
JUDGE: Episcopus?
ACCUSED: Sum.
JUDGE: Eras.


Sent from my iPad using Cruisers Sailing Forum
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Old 13-12-2015, 04:45   #804
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by PangurBan View Post
I love it! Here's a transcript of a trial during the persecution of Diocletian.
JUDGE: Episcopus?
ACCUSED: Sum.
JUDGE: Eras.
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Old 13-12-2015, 04:50   #805
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down.
(Neil Sedaka)
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Old 14-12-2015, 08:44   #806
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Pagan: ‘If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?’
Missionary: ‘No, not if you did not know.’
Pagan: ‘Then why did you tell me?’
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Old 14-12-2015, 14:06   #807
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his
daughter's birthday.


He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales
person,
'How much for one of those Barbies in the display
window?


The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean,
Sir?

Wehave:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
Skater Barbie for $19.95 and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'


The amazed father asks: 'It's what?
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

Annoyed, salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.
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Old 15-12-2015, 16:16   #808
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A bit of British humour...

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Old 16-12-2015, 16:40   #809
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I shot my first Thanksgiving Turkey this year.

Scared the crud out of the ladies in the frozen food department.
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Old 17-12-2015, 05:11   #810
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Peter's Perfect People Palliative:
Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps) not-so-good qualities.
In considering our fellow people we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human.
We should refrain from making harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, stupid, no-good sons-of-bitches.
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