The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

See......everybody likes bad jokes....

My god...what have I started..?

Well Pelagic IS an adviser on this forum... so here:

[svmariane]

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!

How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words!

A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says, hey buddy, why the long face?

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

[svmariane]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on him

What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he proposed to her?
We're too young... we cantaloupe!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.

What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A dog with spare parts.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
Take me to your weeder!

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was intense.

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It is two tired.

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

[svmariane]

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out Tide.

What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!

What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!

Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.

Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.

Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!

What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!

Where do you find a legless turtle?
Right where you left him!

When do you have the right to scold your coffee?
When you have more than sufficient grounds.

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a fly without wings or legs?
A roll.

Why didn't Cuba have a team in the Olympics?
Because, any Cuban that can run, jump, or swim already lives in America.







I'll stop now.....

[Canibul]

It's too late. The damage is done. an overdose is an ugly thing to watch.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Canibul

It's too late. The damage is done. an overdose is an ugly thing to watch.

Bad jokes exist because.... Can Too Much Happiness Harm You?


"As psychologists at the University of Denver discovered, the more highly you value happiness, the less happy and more depressed you may feel."

So..... Bah Humbug!

[Pelagic]

I Surrender.... !

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Why didn't Cuba have a team in the Olympics?
Because, any Cuban that can run, jump, or swim already lives in America.

Someone is going to make sure you catch hell for that one.

I'm thinking they will label you as a bigot and racist.......
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because they can't take a joke!

[jeanathon]

Svmarine you'll get the thread shut down for not following the be nice rule!

[El Pinguino]

Has anyone here ever tried a rodeo root? (Aus/US translator may be required here)

You mount wife or girlfriend doggy fashion, take a breast in each hand and whisper in their ear...

'Your sister's tits are far firmer than these ones'

You have to hang on for eight seconds....

[goat]

[Canibul]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Someone is going to make sure you catch hell for that one.

I'm thinking they will label you as a bigot and racist.......

because they can't take a joke!

Don't you just hate it when people label you and dust their hands off as though that explains you?

I'm just glad he didn't write the one about what you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with a Chinese.

[Pelagic]

Is that a teaser?:what:

[goat]

A seal walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, "what'll it be?"
Seal replies; "Anything but a Canadian Club."

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Canibul

... I'm just glad he didn't write the one about what you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with a Chinese.

The following jokes contain material which may be considered offensive to people of all and any race, sex, age, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, etc.
Please don't take any of them seriously; they're just a play on false stereotypes.

What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Chinaman?
A car thief who can't drive.

What do you call a Puerto Rican with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

An Asian, a Black, and a Mexican are in a car ... who's driving?
A policeman.

What is the difference between an American and Yogurt?
If you leave the Yogurt out long enough it will develop a culture.

Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to take the Alamo?
So they could have four clean walls to write on.

***

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."