The New Joke Thread

[MicHughV]

yep, math never lies...

if 1 ship can cross the Atlantic in 7 days....7 ships can cross it in 1 day....
1sx7d = 1C.....7sd = 1C

7s x 1d = 1C....7sd = 1C

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

It’s surprising the number of British people I talk to who refuse to come to Australia because of all the animals that can kill you.

I blame Bill Bryson who over-exaggerated the dangers in his book “
Down Under: Travels in a Sunburned Country”.

i was born in england (not britian)and i can tell you that it is a yarn everyone here is happy to petuate in order to keep the rest of you buggers out of the place !

cheers,

[Montanan]

The reason for the internet to be running slow is that everyone is online and tweeting.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

It’s surprising the number of British people I talk to who refuse to come to Australia because of all the animals that can kill you.

I blame Bill Bryson who over-exaggerated the dangers in his book “
Down Under: Travels in a Sunburned Country”.

Bryson was an understated optimist.

The only animals that won't kill you are the ones that got to you AFTER you died.

[GILow]

They are a choking hazard if you don't cook the stringy little buggers long enough. Just saying.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

yep, math never lies...

if 1 ship can cross the Atlantic in 7 days....7 ships can cross it in 1 day....
1sx7d = 1C.....7sd = 1C

7s x 1d = 1C....7sd = 1C

How long will it take half a ship?

[MicHughV]

That depends on whether it is the front....or back half ???

Interestingly, my first wife and I, separated under a dark cloud. When it came time to divide our spoils, the issue became complicated and heated. She wanted half the boat as her fair due. So I asked her if she wanted the port or starboard side ? I thought it was hilarious, but she didn't see the humor in it and things went downhill from there.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by StuM

How long will it take half a ship?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m5qxZm_JqM

[StuM]

Originally Posted by GILow

For those not familiar with the story, the sketch was based on:
Burning Tanker Spills Oil in Waters off Perth
July 22, 1991

The bow of a burning oil tanker tore loose early today off Australia's western coast, dumping an estimated 2.9 million gallons of light crude oil into the Indian Ocean, officials said.

Capt. Richard Purkiss, chairman of the Western Australia state committee on fighting oil pollution, said the 210-foot Greek-registered tanker, the Kirki, was still afloat and efforts were being made to remove the remaining oil.

The spill occurred about 125 miles north of Perth and 18 miles west of the fishing town of Cervantes. The oil slick was reported to be more than seven miles long and almost a mile wide.

The spill was estimated at 2.9 million gallons. By comparison, the Exxon Valdez spill of March 1989 dumped 10.9 million gallons of crude oil.

The Kirki was sailing from Saudi Arabia to the western Australian port of Fremantle when the fire broke out. Helicopters rescued the ship's 37 crew members before the bow tore loose, rupturing the forward storage tanks.

[GordMay]

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[tkeithlu]

I nominate Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida as the 2020 politcal joke of the year.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by tkeithlu

I nominate Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida as the 2020 politcal joke of the year.

Second

[ArmyDaveNY]

Uh oh. It's a political joke. But it's a non partisan political joke!

[Pelagic]

Shall we just call 2020
"A Pregnant Pause"?

[Montanan]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)