The New Joke Thread

[OutOfControl]

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man opened his briefcase pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Billings, Montana."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."

"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[sailorphil9]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[sailorphil9]

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why're you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied, "only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?" I asked.

"F**k knows, that's his problem.

[MicHughV]

A man is a bar talking to his friend " last night, while I was out drinking with you, a burglar broke into my house"

"Did he get anything?" the friend asks....

"Yes" the man replies" he got a broken jaw, six knocked out teeth and two broken ribs"

"Wow !" the friend responds shaking his head "how did that happen ?"

The man replies " it was my wife, thinking it was me, coming home drunk again"....

[Montanan]

Fall Back.

[chrisr]

I was chatting to a guy at barbie the other night and discovered he was worth around $14 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.

Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.

He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.

He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this over and over for the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again various Land Rovers.

He moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.

Even during the really bad times he kept at it,
working long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.

Then his uncle died and left him $14 million.

cheers,

[chrisr]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

When I was 18 and in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was
too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability.

When I was 21, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

cheers

[sailorphil9]

I was feeling ill and lying on the sofa staring out of the window when I thought I saw a sausage fly past the window. Looking more closely I saw that it was really a seabird. I'd obviously taken a tern for the wurst

[sailorphil9]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level, and so he described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," he replied, "I'm just **** at golf."

[sailorphil9]

Two guys were lying in their hospital beds waiting to go to theatre. One asked the other: "What are you in for?"
He answered: " an endoscopy"
"What's that?" the first one asked.
"They put a tube down your throat into your stomach to check for ulcers and cancer. What are you in for?"
"A camera up my backside."
"Ah! That's a colonoscopy" said the first guy.
"No" said the other, "My wife caught me taking pictures of our next door neighbour sunbathing in the nude."

[sailorphil9]

Whats the similarity between a pizza delivery man & a gynecologist?







Both can smell it, but neither can eat it.

[sailorphil9]

Tracey (lives in Essex) and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!"

She goes downstairs and comes back 20 minutes later, but the dog is still barking.

Her husband says, "What have you been doing all this time?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

[sailorphil9]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the NHS, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"Not you, me" replied the nurse.

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by sailorphil9

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the NHS, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"Not you, me" replied the nurse.

Always make sure that during the examination that there isn't a hand on each shoulder....

[carlosproa]

A man is attending a trade show and picks up a woman at the hotel’s bar.
After having sex the woman tells him: I bet I can guess what you do for a living... you are a doctor [emoji67]*⚕️

He cannot believe how she knew this. She explain that before having sex he spent 5 minutes scrubbing his hands and nails with soap and came to the bed with his hands in the air.

The man says, I bet you cannot guess what is my specialty

She responded: oh actually it was very easy to guess- you are an anesthesiologist.
Wow- you are right! How in the world you knew?

She responds - I did not feel anything during sex!