The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

Every boat owner should have a collection of these special fasteners.

[GordMay]

[LakeSuperior]

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

Me: [while sipping whole wheat toast] Why?

[LakeSuperior]

To complement Gord's corporate reveals via Dilbert.


A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team.

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on winning. They have only one person do the yelling."

[LakeSuperior]

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

[svmariane]

You've heard the expression "don't rock the boat", right?

Bet you thought it meant something like not to make trouble all we're all gonna get wet and maybe the boat will even sink and take us all down. Yeah? That's conventional wisdom talking at you.

Reality is more self-serving. See, the person rocking the boat is seldom the one who gets dumped into the water. Nope. He's already hanging on. Instead, it's usually some poor schmuck just trying to do his job and not in tune with "office politics" that gets dumped overboard.

"Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat." – Jean-Paul Sartre


But on the other hand...
.

[chrisr]

"I'm in deep financial trouble and need some advice" said the client to his lawyer. "I'm down to my last $100 and want to know if you can answer just two questions for that amount"
"Certainly sir", said the lawyer, "what is the second question ?"

cheers,

[chrisr]

in case there are any members of the legal profession out there not yet offended

"What's black and brown and looks great on a lawyer ?


wait for it....



a doberman



cheers,

[chrisr]

and now to offend the religious community...

Sitting in the plane was a bishop and a young priest. The bishop was doing The Times crossword.

"Four letter word, exclusively female, ends in UNT" he mumbled

"Aunt" suggested the young priest

"Oh..." said the bishop "do you have an eraser ?"


ok...i'm going now...

[johnny AoB]

Why does New York have all the Lawyers and New Jersey has all the toxic waste dumps?


New Jersey got first pick.

[johnny AoB]

A priest was flying to Rome when the plane encountered some turbulence.

The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Sorry about the turbulence folks, we are going to take the plane up to 37000 ft. and see if it is smoother there."

The turbulence continued, so the pilot came back on and said, "We are going to take her up to our limit of 40,000 ft."

The turbulence continued, so the pilot came back on and said, "Our radar shows that the air is smooth at 42,000 and even though we are not suppose to, we are going to take her up there."

And sure enough the turbulence stopped.

The pilot came back on the intercom and said, “Things look good from here on and because you have all been good sports, the drinks are on the house.”

The cabin attendant came by to ask the priest what he wanted to drink. He replied, “Since we are so close to the home office I don’t think I’ll be drinking.”

[delmarrey]

Anyone taken communion lately?

https://media.giphy.com/media/kwNIUriY2F4HK/giphy.gif

[svmariane]

Lots of people make jokes about lawyers; some people actually hate lawyers. Now me, I don't hate them. They serve a useful purpose. My first real experience with a lawyer was when my first wife and I were going for a divorce. So I hired this guy and we went through all the normal yada de yada. Said that's what I've got, what I'll probably get over the next ten years, so she can have all the real estate and half the cash. Make the deal. So we end up in front of a judge. Things seem to be going well at first. Then HER lawyer clears his throught, and says something about my not signing over all the real estate as agreed. Confused, am I. According to HER lawyer, the sailboat qualifies as real estate. He then went into this verbal Rube Goldberg type thought process as to how a boat occupies space that is always above land, and while there no other boat can occupy that same space above land, and therefore counts as a land based structure which occupies real estate and therefore, as agreed, I should sign over that real estate which means the title to that boat. The judge agreed.

Come to think of it... I hate lawyers.

[GordMay]