The New Joke Thread

[44'cruisingcat]

Is it OK for vegans to bite their fingernails?

[Jim Cate]

I wonder if Boat Poker will add those "engineering" photos to his gallery? Especially the wiring ones...

Jim

[twohapence]

Originally Posted by 44'cruisingcat

Is it OK for vegans to bite their fingernails?

More to the point - "Spit or swallow?"

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by chris mac

This one came up a while back, seems fittingAttachment 185850

So, imagine the Indians as Aztec's and the boat people as conquistador's. Or the Indian's the Maliseet and the boat people the French.

Same effect!

.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

a few more examples

Someone spent a lot of time in the Philippines!

[Dave_S]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck.

The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right.

The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left.

The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“

[LakeSuperior]

A clever enough joke despite being political...


A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[LakeSuperior]

Now back to our usual scheduled programming (nonsense)!


Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, then they would be bagels.

[CatNewBee]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

A clever enough joke despite being political...


A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

... so true ... [emoji23]

[Eigenvector]

Secrets to Inner Peace.

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...




Then You Are ProbablyThe Family Dog!





And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.......

If you can't eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away

[Eigenvector]

Bummer............

[Eigenvector]

Woman tries putting gas in a Tesla

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHPg2Mi2roI

[JPA Cate]

Okay, I'll display my ignorance here: I've heard of vectors. But what on earth is an Eigenvector? (Oh, and just like the radical feminist peeing contest, that one was "no hands", well no maths allowed.)

Ann

[Adelie]

In linear algebra, an eigenvector or characteristic vector of a linear transformation is a non-zero vector that changes by only a scalar factor when that linear transformation is applied to it. . . .

It’s a function in matrix algebra.

[ozsailer]

Yeah, what Adelie said


Greg H