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Old 26-01-2019, 17:19   #4366
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One afternoon, Boudreaux and Marie were driving down the levee towards Catahoula, when they spot a baby skunk on the side of the road, that looked like it was hurt. They stopped and picked it up to bring it home and nurse it back to health, to make a pet out of it. As they were driving home the baby skunk started shivering. Boudreaux tells Marie to put it between her legs to keep it warm. Marie says, "But Boudreaux, it stanks too bad!" Boudreaux tells her, "He be OK, him. if I can stan it down dere, den he can, too!"
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Old 26-01-2019, 17:25   #4367
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tee Boudreaux came downstairs for breakfast this morning, and when he sat at the table, his Momma, Marie, asked him if he had done his chores yet. Tee Boudreaux told her, "Mais, not yet, Momma." So Marie told him he had to do them before he got breakfast. Tee Boudreaux, not real happy now, proceeded to go out to the barnyard to feed the chickens. After he fed them, he kicked one of the chickens. Next he fed the pigs, and then kicked one of them. Then he milked the cow, and sure enough, kicked the cow, too. Walking back in the house, he found that his Momma had put a bowl of dry cereal on the table for him. So he says, "Momma, where's my bacon and eggs ?" Marie tells him, "Tee Boudreaux, I was watchin' you through dat window, an' I saw you kick dat chicken. So you don't get no eggs. Den I saw you kick dat pig, so you don't get no bacon. And den you kicked dat milkin cow, so dat's why you don't get no milk for your cereal." About that time, big Boudreaux comes walking down the stairs, and almost tripped over the family cat, and proceeds to kick the cat across the room. Tee Boudreaux looks at his Momma and asks her, "You wants to tell him youself, or I should tell him?"
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Old 26-01-2019, 17:30   #4368
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Tee Boudreaux burst into the house one day and said, "Momma, Poppa, guess what! Me and Susie, from down de road decided to got married!" Boudreaux takes him aside and tells him, out of earshot from Marie, "Tee, I gots to tell you sumting. Back when I was young, I used to fool around on you Momma alot. Susie is really your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." Tee Boudreaux was, of course all let down, but eventually, he got over it. He met another real nice Cajun girl, and sure enough, one day he ran back into the house and announced, "Momma, Poppa, dis time it's for real! Me an' Clarisse from across de swamp, we gonna got married!" Again Boudreaux takes him aside and tells him, "Tee, you remember what I tol' you last time ? I'm afraid Clarisse is your half-sister, too." By now, Tee Boudreaux really got his mad up real high, and decides to tell his Momma what's been going on with his Poppa. After he tells Marie what his Poppa had done, she tells him, "Tee Boudreaux, don't you worry yourself about dat, you. Go ahead an' marry de girl. Boudreaux ain't your real Poppa, nohow!"
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Old 26-01-2019, 17:37   #4369
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were driving around town one night, and coming up to a red light, Boudreaux runs right through it, not even slowing down. Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux, you ran dat red light, you. Be careful!" Boudreaux tells him, "Don't worry, Hebert does it all de time, and nuttin ever happens." A few minutes later, another red light, and Boudreaux runs it too. Thibodeaux screams at him, "Boudreaux, you keep running dem red lights, you gonna got us bof killed!" Boudreaux assures him, "Mais I done tol' you, Hebert does it all de time, him, wid no problem. Don't you worry, Thibodaux." The next intersection they come to, they have a green light, and Boudreaux slams on the brakes, coming to a complete stop on green. Thibodeaux asks him, "Why you stop for dat green light, you?" Boudreaux, looking cautiously both ways tells him, "Mais, if I gots de green light, I gots to be careful, 'cause Hebert might be passing de other way!"
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Old 26-01-2019, 17:51   #4370
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Mais, I got time for one more, me.




One day Boudreaux was checking his mail and discovered a letter from his mother. He opened it and it read "Boudreaux, I have some terrible news. Tree of your friends just died. Yesterday Thibodeaux and four of your friends went riding in the back roads. Thibodeaux was driving and one sat in the front with him while the others sat in the bed of the truck. Somehow he drove off the road and the truck ran into the bayou. Luckily Thibodeaux and the passenger were able to escape the sunk vehicle and get to safety. The other three they didn't make it, no. Dey couldn't get da tailgate down in time."
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Old 26-01-2019, 20:41   #4371
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Re: The New Joke Thread

America is England's fault. No, no! Hear me out...

First, England gathered together it's right wing, radical, gun-toting religious zealots, put them on leaky boats and said to them be off, get thee to the new world or someplace but get out of our hair! We be tired of your uptight, never have a bit of fun, holier than thou attitude! Get thee gone... and if there's any problem with those pesky natives just shoo them away 'for there be plenty of land. (Slight paraphrasing, that.)

Second, around the time those sent into the wilderness were there for roughly the age of two (centuries) they began acting a bit rambunctious (as two year olds are wont to do) and defiant, nay somewhat rebellious. And did England respond as any reasonable parent would? Oh, no. No indeed! Instead, "Dad" unleashed the leather belt - totally disregarding that "Aunt Francy" might stick in her nose. Utter family disaster.

Third, and only a short time later, really, in the larger scheme of things, England sends some folk to teach the child a lesson (and burning down the kid's little back-garden fort to make the point) but then gets distracted by some other family disruption with what's-his-name, uncle Napoleon. Meanwhile, the kid sulks like any other child that receives a spanking.

Forth: So later on England was getting a bit long in the tooth and America was in her late teens and behaving like most obnoxious teenagers but England had a bit of of tiff with some other relatives over there in Germany and there was this huge argument that ensued so the teenage America (feeling a bit sorry for the old man) decided to sort of join into the dispute, agreeing with Dad's side of the argument.

Fifth: Scant twenty years later the family erupted again into this really, really, really HUGE argument between England, Aunt Francy, and some of the neighbors, particularly that one in Germany that seemed pretty arrogant, truth be told, so (by now in roughly the late twenties / early thirties) America sort of sighs, doesn't really want to get involved, but again takes Dad's side of things because (unexpectedly) that other neighbor who nobody really paid attention to, the one with an unusual name like Hero or something, throws a couple of firecrackers into the tub and busts up some of America's toy boats. Well. Can't accept THAT! A couple of Cheery Bombs into uncle Hero's back yard will show HIM!

But the point being that England, in an amazing display of ineptitude, foisted upon the neighborhood a rambunctious, insubordinate, rebellious, (and self-righteous) kid who insists upon having his own way - and since he was the first to sign on for the Charles Atlas bodybuilding method and its associated exercise program the kid had the muscle to strut tall. Take that, Dad! You see what happens when you don't pay serious attention to your kids! Even Canada, as nice as they are, finally had enough and moved out on their own!

Anyway, here we are. America is getting older. Maybe having a midlife crisis.

And getting cranky.

And it's all England fault.




The above article is being submitted for the attention of The Nobel Prize in Literature committee, category Historical Analysis, and produced "in the field of literature the most outstanding work in an ideal direction" as Alfred Nobel phrased the thingy.



Historical source(s): Aesop and son.
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Old 26-01-2019, 23:57   #4372
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And it's all England's fault.
Rats.... hate it when I blow the punchline.
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Old 27-01-2019, 00:15   #4373
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Cate View Post
when describing a cricket match, is this not redundant?

But it is a heroic pun/joke... I like it!

Ji,
If a frog makes a ribbitt sound, what sound does a cricket make?
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Old 27-01-2019, 01:40   #4374
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you listen closely, frogs do not actually say the word "ribbit" at all. They seem to have particular trouble with the consonants. Vowels, too.
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Old 27-01-2019, 03:07   #4375
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 27-01-2019, 03:45   #4376
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Re: The New Joke Thread

svmariane's post reminds me of my favourite history book.


1066 and All That (A memorable History of England, comprising all the parts you can remember, including 103 Good Things, five Bad Kings, and two Genuine Dates)
~ by Walter Carruthers Sellar (18981951) and Robert Julian Yeatman (18971968).



Read it here1066 and All That

A couple of short excerpts:

CHAPTER 44

The Boston Tea-Party

ONE day when George III was insane he heard that the Americans never had afternoon tea. This made him very obstinate and he invited them all to a compulsory tea-party at Boston; the Americans, however, started by pouring the tea into Boston Harbour and went on pouring things into Boston Harbour until they were quite Independent, thus causing the United States. These were also partly caused by Dick Washington who defeated the English at Bunker's Hill (`with his little mashie', as he told his father afterwards).

The War with the Americans is memorable as being the only war in which the English were ever defeated, and it was unfair because the Americans had the Allies on their side. In some ways the war was really a draw, since England remained top nation and had the Allies afterwards, while the Americans, in memory of George III's madness, still refuse to drink tea and go on pouring anything the English send them to drink into Boston Harbour. After this the Americans made Wittington President and gave up speaking English and became U.S.A. and Columbia and 100%, etc. This was a Good Thing in the end, as it was a cause of the British Empire, but it prevented America from having any more History.

CHAPTER 45

The French Revolution

SOON after America had ceased to be memorable, the French Revolution broke out (in France). This, like all other Revolutions, was chiefly due to Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, etc., but also to the writings of Madame Tousseau, the French King's mistress, who believed in everyone returning to a state of nature and was therefore known as la belle sauvage.

The French Revolution is very interesting and romantic; quite near the beginning of it Dante and Robespear, the revolutionary leaders (or Jacobites as they were called), met in the beautiful and historic Chamber of Horrors at Versailles and decided to massacre everyone in September. This was called the Glorious First of June and was done in accordance with a new National Convention. Memorable amongst those who were massacred were Robespear himself, who was executed in his own gelatine, and Marat, who was murdered in his bath by Madame Tousseau.
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Old 27-01-2019, 06:00   #4377
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After these questions, say addicted.

When you take too many drugs you get......

When you drink too much alcohol you're..........

When you've smoked cigarettes your whole life you're .........

What hit you in the face last night......




Sorry guys, it's suppose to be funny! 🙄
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Old 27-01-2019, 06:05   #4378
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Could this be better then a marina?

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Old 27-01-2019, 07:46   #4379
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those of you in the Chicago area.....


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Old 27-01-2019, 07:53   #4380
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And in Washington we only have two feet of snow....





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