The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

THE NEW DARWIN AWARDS ARE HERE!!

The Darwin Awards are finally out. The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!

Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is TRUE.

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk… Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park , jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter!

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist.... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING & VOTING!!!… SCARY THOUGHT, ISN' T IT ?!!!

[toddster8]

Fun, but an old, old urban legend.

[dennismckim]

I don't know about the others, but the JATO-equipped automobile story is an urban legend that is at least 50 years old.

[a64pilot]

The first two though I can attest to. When I was first stationed at Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah, all the coke machines were placed behind chain like barricades, cause a stupid I assume drunk soldier did tip one over one himself after it didn't vend the coke. Those things do weigh something like a half a ton loaded. I'd bet that they are still behind those chains.

Ten years or so later at aerial gunnery at Ft Hood Tx. We were waiting our turn to go down range and were sitting in our folding camp chairs. Someone thought it would be cute to grade the landings so we made signs with numbers like the Olympic judges use.
Anyway we were sitting there and an AH-64 flew by with two pressed hams in the windows. In the Apache you are separated by six feet or so and a "blast shield", the front seater can only see the guy in back through a small mirror. So they had decided to moon the judges, but had not decided on who would moon. Fortunately the AH-64 is a very stable aircraft and there was no accident. Joke for years was how would the Accident board explain two dead pilots with the flights suits around their knees.
Perfect case of the breakdown of aircrew coordination.


There was an episode on Myth Busters ref the JATO car

[toddster8]

Plenty of government regulations are based on urban legends and rumors. I spent enough years on federal installations to see stuff that, if you saw it anywhere else, you'd be sure it was a spoof for a TV show or something.

Six guys in white hard hats, writing on clip boards, standing around watching one guy in a blue hard hat, with a shovel, slowly digging a small trench.

The guy who mowed our grass, on a slow riding lawnmower, in 110° heat, dressed in full motorcycle leathers, full-face helmet, and body armor. All black.

Whenever I stepped out of my vehicle, in the middle of the desert, I was required to be wearing a hard hat. A safety goon had to verify that I was wearing it (for a $500 fee.) Once I stepped out of the vehicle, I was the tallest object for miles around...

Just a few sights in a typical day.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by D&D

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

You can, and someone did.

[D&D]

OK, OK ...everyone's a critic! We didn't realise we needed to fact check posts here that were only intended for laughs...we now stand corrected.

How about some jokes from all the critics?!?

[Uncle Bob]

Originally Posted by D&D

OK, OK ...everyone's a critic! We didn't realise we needed to fact check posts here that were only intended for laughs...we now stand corrected.

How about some jokes from all the critics?!?

It's OK, they are just alternate facts.

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by toddster8

Plenty of government regulations are based on urban legends and rumors. I spent enough years on federal installations to see stuff that, if you saw it anywhere else, you'd be sure it was a spoof for a TV show or something.

Six guys in white hard hats, writing on clip boards, standing around watching one guy in a blue hard hat, with a shovel, slowly digging a small trench.

The guy who mowed our grass, on a slow riding lawnmower, in 110° heat, dressed in full motorcycle leathers, full-face helmet, and body armor. All black.

Whenever I stepped out of my vehicle, in the middle of the desert, I was required to be wearing a hard hat. A safety goon had to verify that I was wearing it (for a $500 fee.) Once I stepped out of the vehicle, I was the tallest object for miles around...

Just a few sights in a typical day.

Different hole... same team ..

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bDSu4x6g23...fromPoland.jpg

[toddster8]

Oh heck no! There's like, 200 actionable safety violations in that photo!

And on the other side, operating a breaker hammer is a union job. Operating the extension cord is a separate union job. Removing material from the hole is a third union job. Maintaining the tools is yet another union job. Then you'd need a trailer for a break room, toilets, showers. Attendants for same... yeah, bringing a power tool into it makes this a million dollar job, at least.

BTW: I own that exact Bosch breaker hammer. It is the most phallic tool that I own. In fact, I should be using it today, but have been procrastinating.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by D&D

How about some jokes from all the critics?!?

Accordingto research - one of the funniest jokes:

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[StuM]

Best one liners from the 2016 Edinburgh Fringe Festival"

1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” - Masai Graham
2. “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” - Stuart Mitchell
3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” - Mark Watson
4. “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” - Mark Smith – 21%
5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second.” - Will Duggan
6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” - Tiff Stevenson
7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” - Gary Delaney
8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” - Adele Cliff
9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” - Annie McGrath
10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” - Jordan Brookes
11. “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first.” - Michelle Wolf
12. “I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” - Roger Swift
13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” - Arthur Smith
14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” - Zoe Lyons
15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” - Phil Nicol

[StuM]

If you ever go to a hotel that offers continental breakfast, make sure they specify which continent because penguin tastes of sh*t.

[Jason Flare]

Luther:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aNnE9BEktjo

[dennismckim]

A senior couple was lounging in the cockpit when a seagull splattered the woman.
"Hand me a piece of toilet paper Walter." she says.
"What good will that do? The bird's 3 blocks away by now."