The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInCyberspace.....

Came across this exchange on a discussion board:






Jmovies4 days ago
[Insert unoriginal, not thought out comment here]

GuuldenWuulf4 days ago (edited)
Jmovies [Insert unoriginal reply judging original unoriginal comment here]

Jmovies4 days ago
[Insert unoriginal sassy comeback here]

Mocanu Teo4 days ago
[Insert comment that doesn't add to the conversation but it's meant to make me feel like I'm part of something]

JaysMCbricks4 days ago
[Insert comment hating the unoriginal reply judging the original unoriginal comment for being unoriginal here]

TheGoldenDunsparce4 days ago
[insurt coment fulla typos n bad grammer insulting the OP here]

GuuldenWuulf4 days ago
[Insert comment correcting the previous comment's bad grammar here]

IamPotato4 days ago
first

Agon Leed4 days ago
what's wrong with you? Transgender people have feelings too. What does that even have to do with Disney?

IamPotato4 days ago
Agon Leed it has to do with many things

shannon kane2 days ago
Agon Leed Who are you talking to?

Tahseen Khan1 day ago
shannon kane [Insert comment replying to person who didn't get the joke informing them that they did not get the joke]
Reply


Some creative folk out there, what?

[svmariane]

So... Down at the pub one eve, beers flowing fine, and George, he says that just for the fun of it he'll guess the answer to a math puzzle without your tellin' him the original number. Goes like this:

1) Think of a number
2) Multiply by 2
3) Add 8
4) Divide by 2
5) Subtract your first number
6) Multiply by 12
7) Add 21.



69???????

[D&D]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local Wal-Mart
Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.


Enjoy Life - It has an expiry date!

[svmariane]

So... We were a'gatherin' down to the pub of an eve and Bridgette seemed a bit upset. {Ya 'member Bridgettte, right? Back from post 1918?} So we asked her what's the probs and she goes "I'm tired of being pegged as a Grammar Nazi! I'm actually associated with the Comma-nist Party. Grammar nazis just make me führious."

Don't know what else happened 'cause I had to leave, the conversation starting to drift completely out of mein kampfort zone.







It been a long day...

[Fiveslide]

Originally Posted by D&D

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local Wal-Mart
Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.


Enjoy Life - It has an expiry date!

I used to click the ready-to-go fishing rods, grab the line and take off walking. Weave the line throughout the sporting goods section.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Fiveslide

I used to click the ready-to-go fishing rods, grab the line and take off walking. Weave the line throughout the sporting goods section.

What made you stop?

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Therapy

What made you stop?

I think he ran out of line!
[emoji1]

[Fiveslide]

Originally Posted by Therapy

What made you stop?

Wife quit taking me shopping.

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by Fiveslide

Wife quit taking me shopping.

So it all worked out for you, then.

[Fiveslide]

Absolutely. Win-win.

[D&D]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?”

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's
mouth.”


Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- “This is Gasoline!”


Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations, you've got your taste back. That will be $500.


Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.”

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, — that's Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations, you've got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak -- I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any cure for that, so here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill).


Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations, you got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an “ Old Geezer”.

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Enjoy your day

P.S. Written in large print for Old Geezers

[D&D]

[D&D]

Why...
...is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why...
...do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why...
...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why...
...do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why...
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why...
...the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why...
...can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why...
...don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why...
...is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why...
...is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why...
...is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why...
...is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why...
...isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why...
...didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why...
...don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why...
...are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

[Therapy]

Sexy wins every time.

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him
to lower the price.... see you later Dad"

[D&D]

The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement


Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant..... The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7). Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.

The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars..... and no one even knows his name.


I think this is my favorite retirement plan ever!