The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served the people near the nation's capital for many years.


He motioned for the nurse to come near.


"Yes father?" said the nurse.


"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I die" whispered the priest.


"I will see what I can do" said the nurse. The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a response. Soon an answer came back; Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.


As they were driven to the hospital, Turnbull commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our re-election prospects."


Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.


When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.


Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you at this time when your end is so near?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."


"Amen" said Turnbull. "Amen" replied Shorten.


The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our Saviour died between two thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."

[sailorboy1]

What does Captain Jack Sparrow use to cook?





Pyrex of the Caribbean!

[sailorboy1]

A couple were on a sailing trip. They had gone night sailing and were on the deck looking up at the sky. One said to the other, "Look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you,?"

"Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini!"

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInCyberspace....


Reply
Anthony Schlott
Anthony Schlott5 days ago

Well the Trump went down to Washington
He was lookin' for a soul to steal
He was in a bind 'cause he was in front of the line
And wrote the Art of the Deal

When he came across this young man
Endorse him he would not
Than Trump jumped up on a hickory stump
And said, "Boy, let me tell you what"

"You probably didn't know it
But I'm the GOP nominee
And if you care to sit right there
I want to work with you"

"Now I respect you, ol'boy
But Obama is overdue
We're 19 trillion in the hole
I think I'm rich enough for you"

The boy said, "The name's Paul Ryan
And I'm not sure you can win
But I'll take your bet, we're gonna regret
This is the worst it's ever been"

{Lifted from somewhere in cyberspace....
Apologies to Charlie Daniels Band for the off-take of "Devil Went Down to Georgia".}

[D&D]

President Trump


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .



Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.



Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.



The rest of the world is in shock.



Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.



Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.



Latin American countries are sending clothing.



New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.



The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.



Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.



President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

[rubbywilliams]

ooh! the last one was pretty good!

[kjames]

Why teachers drink!

[D&D]

Philosophers of this Century.

John Glenn -

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind:

every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

************************************************** ************
Desmond Tutu -

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land.

They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.

When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

************************************************** ************
David Letterman -

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes

that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

************************************************** ************
Howard Hughes -

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

************************************************** ************
Old Italian proverb...

After the chess game, the King and the Pawn go back into the same box.

************************************************** ************
Jean Kerr -

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

************************************************** ************
Zsa Zsa Gabor -

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

************************************************** ************
Jeff Foxworthy.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

************************************************** ************
Prince Philip -

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
************************************************** ************
Harrison Ford -

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
************************************************** ************
Spike Milligan -

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
************************************************** ************
Robin Hall -

Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
************************************************** ************
Jean Rostand -

Kill one man, and you're a murderer; kill a million, and you're a conqueror.
************************************************** ************
Arnold Schwarzenegger -

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars,

but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
************************************************** ************
WH Auden -

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, ... I have no idea.
************************************************** ************
Johnny Carson -

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
************************************************** ************
Warren Tantum... (School photo album).

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
************************************************** ************
Steve Martin -

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing

a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
************************************************** ************
Jimmy Durante -

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
************************************************** ************
Doug Hanwell -

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
************************************************** ************
George Roberts.

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
************************************************** ************
Jonathan Winters -

If God had intended us to fly in airplanes, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
************************************************** ************
Robert Benchley...

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
************************************************** *****

[svmariane]

All About Marketing

A guy is at a party, having a drink with his friends, when he realizes that there is a gorgeous woman at the party. So he considers the most appropriate marketing technique to approach her:

First: He goes up to her and says, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

Second: One of his friends goes up to her and pointing at him says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

Third: He goes up to her and gets her telephone number. The next day he calls and says," Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That’s Telemarketing.

Fourth: He gets up and straightens his suit. He walks up to her and pours her a drink, he opens the door, pick up her bag after it drops, offer her a ride, and then says, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

Fifth: He recognizes her, he approaches her and refreshes her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?"
That is Customer Relationship Management.

Sixth: She walks up to him and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

Seventh: He is in on his way to a party when he realizes that there could be gorgeous women in all the houses he is passing. So he climbs onto the roof of one situated in the middle and shouts at the top of his voice, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam.

Eighth: He remains with his friends, keeps drinking until gets drunk, and then starts to make poor jokes… And leaves the party alone without talking to her.
That’s market reality.

[svmariane]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an *******!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an *******!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call.

Then I came up with an idea... I called ******* #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an *******!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

'Yeah'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,' and hung up.

Then! I called ******* #2. He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, *******,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that my gay lover lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill him.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .


I got there just in time to watch two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

[svmariane]

So we were at the pub and George was talking about the time he and his wife went to Paris, France. 'Cause, you know, he didn't want us to confuse things with Paris, Texas. Anyway, they visited the Louvre Museum and walked across whats called "The Lover's Bridge" 'cause couples take a padlock, snap it on the fencing, then throw the key into the river. Supposed to represent unbreakable love, right? So they'd bought a padlock and did that. But George, he said the lock came with two keys so he slipped one into his pocket 'cause, you know, just in case things might not work out so well with Georgina. Best to think ahead.

[D&D]

ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Remember, these people can vote…..

[Nicholson58]

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A hippo is a big heavy animal and a zippo is a little lighter.

[Nicholson58]

A woman salesman traveling through The desert southwest picks up a Native American hitchhiker. The hitchhiker puzzles over the bag on the seat. The sales woman says, "It's a bottle of wine I got for my husband". The hitchhiker considers this for a moment, "Good trade"

[0urh]

My Travel Plans For 2016

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense ! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.