The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Current events...

apparently Kanye West is $53M in debt and now has a gofundme site to help raise funds for him. He also has his own clothing line.

[unclemack]

Originally Posted by Finistere

Yes, got it from Hannity.


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Write your own material like everyone else, dude

[StuM]

Originally Posted by unclemack

Write your own material like everyone else, dude

Nah! Steal it like everyone else.


There are only seven jokes - all the rest are variations.

[jongleur]

There are only seven jokes

Eight if you count the presidential
primary candidates...

[Rock-Head]

Originally Posted by jongleur

There are only seven jokes

Eight if you count the presidential
primary candidates...

Well if you want to go there, they're all jokes.

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[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by Rock-Head

Well if you want to go there, they're all jokes.



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Don't forget congress!

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by jeanathon

Don't forget congress!

Surely this is a joke? You couldn't mean the self-styled "world's greatest deliberative body" could you?

[senormechanico]

The Ballad of Captain Schettino

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uk0RUSckM0w

[StuM]

Originally Posted by jeanathon

Don't forget congress!

Full Definition of congress

1. : the act or action of coming together and meeting
2. : coitus

So who's getting screwed?

[D&D]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in.
Come inside and elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What ... You're coming empty handed?"
__________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ... 38 revolver ,
so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns ... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna DA business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
__________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...
But all men ... Are men!

[jeanathon]

Don't eat while reading!


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks
away.



His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"



"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.”"
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."



"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the
garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours"



Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.



"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.



"That's his mistress," says her husband.



"Ours is prettier," she replies.











=








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[CharlzO]

Originally Posted by jeanathon

Don't eat while reading!

...

I rather enjoyed that one lol

[D&D]

SILVIO, a 75 year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'




'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 75 years old and your father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 95 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 75 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'


'He's 115 years old.' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 115 year-old guy want to get married?' "

“Who said he wanted to get married?"

[MC2019]

A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years.

He brakes into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, OK? Look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck, if he wants sex, don't resist.
Don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
He nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry,
He'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds:
"He was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[belizesailor]

We have a wonderfully politically incorrect humorous publication here in Panama called "Humorito" (no doubt it would be banned in the USA). Bought a copy recently because it had a sailing related joke on the cover.

In English it would read: "When this sailor said he would like....I thought something different".