The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

a64

Yeah, but only for the drunken rednecks in their V8 pick-ups.....

The rest of us already knew this.....

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by D&D

First time we heard about paraprosdokians, we liked them.

#MeanwhileInCyberspace....
Originally posted: July 13, 2009

"To my one and only car,

I know sometimes I neglect you – that I don’t wash you, or vacuum your floor as often as I should. I know how you love to have your dash detailed and your chrome polished. Don’t we all? I should take care of those needs more often.

Despite this, you do know how much I love you. I know you do. And that is why I just don’t understand how you could do this to me.

It’s bad enough that you wouldn’t start. But to not start while I have a CAR FULL OF GROCERIES at the SUPERMARKET by MYSELF was just too much.

I kept my cool… I hope you noticed. I didn’t kick you or scream or take a baseball bat and smash your headlights. Lord knows I felt like it. I also hope you noticed that I calmly tried to start you over and over and over again – because I had faith in you – even though I was already running late.

The reason I hope you noticed these things is because if you DON’T start tomorrow when I come to get you, I am just not sure I’ll be able to keep these feelings bottled up anymore. I just think it would be healthier to let them out.

So, I hope for your sake you start. I love you, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.

But it’s still on my list.

Jelly xo"

[Buzzman]

ROTFLMAO

I have conversations like this with Rolly, my little 'Yota.

He's 20 years old, worth about $1K, but has cost me $2K in parts and repairs in the past 12 months....

So he better last another 12 so's I get my money back or else the fuel can and the box of matches might just come out to play....

I nearly called the scrapper last week when I found out the A/C would cost $550 to fix - as the pipe under the radiator that had corroded and leaked all the refrigerant out is no longer available form Toyota as a spare part - so a new part had to be custom made....

...from some kind of 'unobtainium', judging by the price the repair guy charged me for it. $250 for a 3' lenth of ally pipe with fittings on the end. Sheesh.

But at least the A/C works again.

And in 35°C temps here in summer, don't wanna be without it.

Mind you, the car is only still going because three years ago, when a front shock top bush failed I was able to source one from a wreck - because Toyota no long carried stock of that part....!!! It cost me $20.

For the sake of a $20 part a $2K car was going to be junked.

Sigh.

One day I'll buy an MG or something you still can get EVERY part for, brand new.

[D&D]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

this is a joke thread...

...and now, back to the thread...

Two Gay Men visit the Zoo...

They notice that one male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of them just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage…


The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?”

"AM I HURT?" he shouts.

"Wouldn't you be?


He hasn't called!


He hasn't even written!!"

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

ROTFLMAO

I have conversations like this with Rolly, my little 'Yota.

Here ya' go..... Toyota spare parts.
Zoom in REAL close to get the part numbers.
No. Closer.
Price(s) on request.

[svmariane]

joke...

noun
1. something said or done for laughter or amusement

Example: Post a humorous image on a social website.



Or should'st ye olde written word being what thou seeketh?


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

3. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

4. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

5. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

6. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

7. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

8. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

9. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

10. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.

11. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.



Did any of the above cause offense, raise blood pressure, irk somebody, be deemed Politically Incorrect, or {fill in appropriate cause of umbrage}? Then follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

ROTFLMAO


One day I'll buy an MG or something you still can get EVERY part for, brand new.

Having owned a triumph tr3, MGB, AustinSprite and a Healy 3000 (my wet dream is a '67 Jag XKE convertible), I can tell you that the reason parts are still available is that the sales of spare is still huge.

first off - all these cars had an electrical system made by Lucas, the prince of darkness. POS - they NEVER work properly.

Secondly all these cars vibrate which means you get to drive them monday through saturday and spend sunday tightening up bolts and making your weekly repairs

Third - they all had crappy eaters (for cars meant for the UK, crappy heaters? get real - it gets cold there.)

fourth - they leaked when it rained

fifth - you could pick up girls by the gaggle even if you didn't look like sean connery

wait a sec - am I describing cars or a sailboat?


gawd I miss having one - these days I'm driving a Fiat

[Canibul]

Lucas electrics. Dang, I had forgotten about them. Back in the day I went though a number of British motorcycles. Norton, Triumph, BSA.....and Lucas became a bad word.

Right up there with Amal carbs.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Canibul

Lucas electrics. Dang, I had forgotten about them. Back in the day I went though a number of British motorcycles. Norton, Triumph, BSA.....and Lucas became a bad word.

Right up there with Amal carbs.

Lucas has probably had more cursewords in front of their name in more languages than any other manufacturer in the world. I know I've cursed them both silently and loudly many a time.

There is a reason an electrical company has become know as "The prince of darkness"

[StuM]

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."


Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"


Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.


Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.


The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.


The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.


Lucas dip-switch positions: LOW and BLOW

The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.


"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...


If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.


Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.


It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.


Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"


Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.


Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.


Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.


Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.


Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."


Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.


Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by StuM

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."


Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"


Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.


Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.


The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.


The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.


Lucas dip-switch positions: LOW and BLOW

The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.


"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...


If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.


Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.


It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.


Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"


Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.


Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.


Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.


Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.


Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."


Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.


Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.

Hey Stu

This is a joke thread - things are supposed to funny - not true

[paulajayne]

Lucas repair kit.

[Canibul]

That's some pretty funny stuff. When we moved here we had to do the American thing and bought two Land Rover Defenders, a 110 hard top and a 90 convertible, with the tdi diesels. Just because you can't buy a new one in the US since '97. I had to learn a whole new jargon to do my own work on them. And work on them, I did. Daily, it felt like. And no, putting an aluminium body on a steel frame doesn't make them good for a beach environment.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Canibul

That's some pretty funny stuff. When we moved here we had to do the American thing and bought two Land Rover Defenders, a 110 hard top and a 90 convertible, with the tdi diesels. Just because you can't buy a new one in the US since '97. I had to learn a whole new jargon to do my own work on them. And work on them, I did. Daily, it felt like. And no, putting an aluminium body on a steel frame doesn't make them good for a beach environment.

yeah, friend of mine in africa drives one of the old land rovers - built entirely of steel and iron. sounds like a god damned freight train but will literally go through anythig. No fancy parts - he can fix everything himself.

claims he'll never give it up for anything newer

[Curious Sailor]

Originally Posted by paulajayne

Lucas repair kit.

LMAO!