101 things NOT to say during sex
1. But everybody looks funny
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by
13. Can you please pass me the remote
14. Do you accept Visa?
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains,
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I
learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I
just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it be-
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed
with a woman I don't have to
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed
with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women
who actually think sex means
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you
tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men
77. Hic! I need another beer
for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone
I really like...
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone
booth) Do you mind if I make a few
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven
Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Dober-
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women
than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date