The New Joke Thread

[IslandHopper]

Lots of good advice on twitter, important first step before donning mask

https://climatecrocks.com/2020/08/11...for-maskholes/

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Uncle Bob

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99.62% what?

Punchline?

Fail.

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

I think this was well done

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?sto...7&id=690754336

I only got two takeouts form this:

"As busy as a one-legged cat in a litter box"

"The orange f***weasel"

I was laughing so hard I missed most of the rest...

But I AM dining out on those two....

[sailorphil9]

An Essex girl was sitting watching the news with her boyfriend when the newscaster said, "Two Brazilian men died in a horror sky diving accident"

The blonde starts sobbing at the news and turns to her man and says, "That's horrible. So many men dying that way"

After a few minutes the blonde, still sobbing, turns to her man and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[sailorphil9]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"Mommy, mommy! I was at the playground, and daddy and..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, and that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat."

"And then I thought Aunty Jane was going to die!"

"Why Johnnie?"

"Aunty Jane shouted.' O God I'm coming so quickly' "

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."


At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[sailorphil9]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

[OldManMirage]

Originally Posted by Uncle Bob

Attachment 221731

Wow. I knew the chance of infection was low, but until I did the math I didn't really think it was this low.

In fact, if my math is correct its even lower.

The latest numbers I see today are 23 million cases of infection worldwide. World Population is approximately 7.8 billion.

Isn't that a .29% chance of infection ? Someone double check my math please.

And yes, I know - wrong forum !

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