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Old 21-08-2020, 06:36   #12166
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The worst hotel I’ve ever stayed in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.
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Old 21-08-2020, 06:37   #12167
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers. The big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers.

A crow has 16 of them.

So the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
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Old 21-08-2020, 14:13   #12168
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ole and Lena had just gotten married, and Ole was driving them to Alexandria for their honeymoon.

About half-an-hour into the drive, Ole reached over and surreptitiously put his hand on Lena's knee.

She patted it gently, and said " Ole, you can go farther than that."

So he drove to Fargo.
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Old 21-08-2020, 16:03   #12169
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I think this was well done

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?sto...7&id=690754336
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Old 21-08-2020, 16:21   #12170
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Beyond well done, superb!.
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Old 21-08-2020, 17:16   #12171
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Re: The New Joke Thread

HARD WORK ... Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoeshine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
- What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
- Why are you so interested in that - that topic?
“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
- What your’s name? –Asks the Director.
- John Smith H.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
- Do we have a client named John Smith H.?
- Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
- Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
- We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story:
- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
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Old 21-08-2020, 19:15   #12172
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Beyond well done, superb!.
If you like liberal fantasy rantings
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Old 21-08-2020, 19:26   #12173
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Perhaps this one is more to your liking.
https://youtu.be/dpIkl2QnJeI
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Old 21-08-2020, 19:35   #12174
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Perhaps this one is more to your liking.
https://youtu.be/dpIkl2QnJeI
When you consider under the US Constitution, only the Governors of each state can open or close their respective states, sure, blame the federal govt and or the president who CANNOT mandate state policy. Again, typical liberal propaganda, which is no better or worse than typical conservative propaganda.
I just really enjoy how the entire world seems to scream against talking bad about any government or leader EXCEPT the US and Trump... I visit this thread for jokes, not political propaganda for any party
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Old 21-08-2020, 19:50   #12175
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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When you consider under the US Constitution, only the Governors of each state can open or close their respective states, sure, blame the federal govt and or the president who CANNOT mandate state policy. Again, typical liberal propaganda, which is no better or worse than typical conservative propaganda.
I just really enjoy how the entire world seems to scream against talking bad about any government or leader EXCEPT the US and Trump... I visit this thread for jokes, not political propaganda for any party

If you google honest government ad you will see that this team have taken the mickey out of many a government from elsewhere, it is comedy and if you find it somehow offensive, sorry, just smile and move on.
This is after all the joke thread. Not all humour is slapstick and one liners.
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Old 21-08-2020, 19:54   #12176
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Guys, can we please keep the partisan US politics out of this thread.
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Old 21-08-2020, 20:39   #12177
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Guys, can we please keep the partisan US politics out of this thread.
second that...

cheers,
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Old 21-08-2020, 21:54   #12178
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 21-08-2020, 21:57   #12179
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 21-08-2020, 22:51   #12180
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Paddy had decided to take on the Russian world champion wrestler.

His trainer put Paddy through a strict training regime, but warned Paddy that no matter how fit he was, the Russian had an unbeatable hold, called the Pretzel hold, that once applied was impossible to escape from.

"Whatever you do Paddy,don't let him get you in a Pretzel hold or all is lost" said the trainer.
Come the start of the match, the wrestlers circle each other warily, then they make contact.

In seconds, Paddy is tied up, can't move a limb and he realises the Russian has him in the Pretzel hold, he closes his eyes and waits to be counted out.
Just then, he opens his eyes and all he can see is a large pair of testicles in front of him. He cannot move a limb,so he does the only thing he can think of, he bites the testicles.

There is a scream and the Russian flies in the air then lands on his back, Paddy throws himself across the Russian and gets the fall.
After the match,the trainer asks Paddy what happened as it looked as if it was all over when you was in the Pretzel hold.

To which Paddy replied,"It's surprising the burst of energy you get when you bite your own nuts"
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