The New Joke Thread

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by GordMay

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Not with forest fires.

[john61ct]

ONE BIG FAMILY - 49 children from all over the word get together
https://youtu.be/4kwj9dPNXOI

Danny Macaskill: Danny Daycare (feat. Daisy)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jj0CmnxuTaQ

[GordMay]

[StuM]

Talking of fitness programs.

[GordMay]

“I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, "aw ****, he's up!” ~ Steve Maraboli (*”Life, the Truth, and Being Free”)

* ➥ https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/disp...y.cgi?lid=2474

[GordMay]

[OutOfControl]

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist in town.

I noticed his DDS diploma hanging on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I couldn’t resist so I asked him if he had attended Morgan High School.

"Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?'"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired, rude, decrepit idiot asked, "Oh, What did you teach?"

[GordMay]

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet?

That thing hurts!

[GordMay]

[Eigenvector]

Jewish man was leaving a coffee shop with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.


A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on...a leash.



Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.


The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"


"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"


My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.


A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.


The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"


The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

[Sonas]

Here'a a cople of my favorites.

* * * * *

Paddy and Mick were chatting over a couple of pints of Guinness

Paddy asks Mick what sort of wife he would be looking to marry.

"I want a woman like the moon," says Mick.

"Ah, someone who is bright, but calm, eh?" Says Paddy.

"Not at all," says Mick, "I want a woman who turns up at night and disappears in the morning!"

* * * *

It was Monday morning in her Middle School class and the teacher was asking her pupils what they had done over the weekend. She sighed as little Johnny's hand shot up.

"Yes, Johnny, what did you do this weekend?"

"Well miss, me and a couple of friends caught a frog and we put a firecracker up its ass, and lit it!"

The teacher rolled her eyes, but decided not to take him on.

"Rectum Johnny, rectum," she explained.

"Sure did miss, blew him all to pieces!"

[Buzzman]

What Mick was after is what we Aussies call a "wombat"......

It's well known that the wombat eats roots and leaves.

[It's all about the punctuation, really....]

I, myself, had one such - self-described - 20 years ago, who self-departed once it became clear to her that I was not willing to replace her husband's formal status, nor provide her with the second child she so desperately craved.

Oh. And she was a total froot loop, as well.

[Although, the fact that she was willing to entertain any kind of relationship with me at all, ought to have given that away...]

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

What Mick was after is what we Aussies call a "wombat"......

It's well known that the wombat eats roots and leaves.

[It's all about the punctuation, really....]

So, in Australian, I'm going to guess it's "eats roots, and leaves" whereas elsewhere it's "eats, roots, and leaves".


Comes down to the usage of the word "root". Canadian Olympic teams wear jackets with "Roots" in big letters - it's the name of the sportswear supplier - and wonder why the Australians all find it funny. Unless you know Australian slang.

[Buzzman]

Well, depends on which wombat you're referring to...

The nocturnal marsupial eats roots and leaves.

The female bed-partner eats, roots, and leaves.

Unlike North America, where you 'root' for your favourite team, in Australia, 'rooting for the team' is a job confined to sex workers (although certain footballers are yet to fully understand the distinction between 'sex worker' and 'female of their acquaintance' - or at least, past 'group sex' scandals could lead one to assume this).

In Oz, 'rooting' equates to 'third base' - or what your Mumma let your Daddy do to get you started.

There was an amusingly titled punctuation primer (mainly for children) by Lynne Truss, called "Eats Shoots and Leaves" subtitled "Why commas really do matter".

Like I said, it's a punctuation thing....

https://www.booktopia.com.au/eats-sh...FQIajwodgo0A8w

[Sonas]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

In Oz, 'rooting' equates to 'third base' - or what your Mumma let your Daddy do to get you started.

Actually that would be home plate!