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Old 26-05-2019, 18:45   #5581
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There was once a great baseball pitcher named Milton Famey. Mil, as he was known, pitched several perfect games and seldom lost.

One particularly nice evening the starting pitcher came down with a flu like illness. So the manager substituted Mil out of rotation. The opposing team groaned because they seldom could even see the fastballs Mil was famous for. So Mil steps up to the mound and proceeds to throw the first pitch into his own teamís dugout. This just goes from bad to worse and eventually the manager has to take Mil out in the first inning after waking 5 batters in a row.

When Mil returns to the dugout and sits down some beer bottles clank out from under his spot. The opposing team hears and sees the beer bottles. Then they realize, thatís the beer that made Mil Famey walk us.
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Old 26-05-2019, 21:13   #5582
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 26-05-2019, 21:21   #5583
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bad accident in the fog. Anybody missing a mother-in-law?

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Old 26-05-2019, 21:51   #5584
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Cate View Post

The son never sets on the brutish umpire, that's why!
This is probably a Kiwi joke, especially if you write 'sits'.

It's an exxunt thing.
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Old 27-05-2019, 00:28   #5585
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
This is probably a Kiwi joke, especially if you write 'sits'.

It's an exxunt thing.
Kiwis? Baseball joke??? Surely you jest!

Jim
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Old 27-05-2019, 00:38   #5586
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Of course! My comment was not about the Baseball joke as such, but the exxunt in whuch the pench line was sedd.

We love the K1W1s, but gee they talk funny.....

Ducks, runs for cover.....
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Old 27-05-2019, 02:57   #5587
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
Of course! My comment was not about the Baseball joke as such, but the exxunt in whuch the pench line was sedd.

We love the K1W1s, but gee they talk funny.....

Ducks, runs for cover.....
Ohhh... well, yeah, they do... and you write funny!

Jim
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Old 27-05-2019, 03:37   #5588
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Bad accident in the fog. Anybody missing a mother-in-law?

Which hunt, Trup knew it...
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Old 27-05-2019, 08:01   #5589
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"
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Old 27-05-2019, 08:02   #5590
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Re: The New Joke Thread

When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911.

The police said it was the worst case of domestic violins they had ever seen.
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Old 27-05-2019, 08:05   #5591
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
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Old 27-05-2019, 08:08   #5592
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Did you know 2x10 is same as 2x11 ?

One is twenty and other is twenty too.
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Old 29-05-2019, 17:40   #5593
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Re: The New Joke Thread

MYRON Greenberg, a wealthy businessman received a letter from the IRS.
They will be conducting an audit. It really upsets him and he calls his accountant, SAUL Meyers.
MYRON: (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?"'
SAUL (calming); "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem.
But let me give you a bit of
advice.

When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression.
Where is the crummiest, dirtiest
clothes you’ve got. How old are
your shoes, ripped pants and
look shabby. I mean really look
terrible, because if they have a
little sympathy, they’ll go easy

Then Myron called his lawyer,
Charlie Steinberg.

His Lawyer said: "Myron, it's no problem, I'm sure everything is up to date. You've got a great accountant, don't worry about it.
But let me give you a tip.

When you go to the audit, it's very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your best shirt with a silk tie and cufflinks and shine your shoes. Look important, because if you look like a somebody they respect you I won’t go easy on.
And now Myron is torn.

That night he bumped into his
rabbi at the deli and he told
the rabbi the story.


RABBI: "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says, 'Don't be silly. Wear a
low cut negligee with the cleavage sticking out -- look a little sexy".


Myron I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna get f***ed!"
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Old 31-05-2019, 05:07   #5594
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I have a pen that can write underwater...

it can write other words too.
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Old 31-05-2019, 05:08   #5595
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One day, a linguistics professor was lecturing his class. He explained that in English, a double negative forms a positive, whereas in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.

"However", he continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A student calls out from the back row, "Yeah, right."
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