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Old 02-05-2019, 07:51   #5461
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My dad always says, When one door closes, another opens.

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.
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Old 02-05-2019, 07:53   #5462
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm getting the word phoney tattooed under my knee.

Phoney below knee.



Truest apologies for this one!!
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Old 02-05-2019, 15:06   #5463
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
I'm getting the word phoney tattooed under my knee.

Phoney below knee.


Truest apologies for this one!!
Apologies accepted, but you'll still have to serve time. One month banishment to the end of the bar reserved for tourists.
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Old 02-05-2019, 15:19   #5464
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Re: The New Joke Thread

We have a really big wind chime at our house.

I call it gong with the wind!
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Old 04-05-2019, 00:38   #5465
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Re: The New Joke Thread

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Old 04-05-2019, 00:53   #5466
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firms own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
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Old 04-05-2019, 01:00   #5467
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Re: The New Joke Thread

More signage...

A sign posted in Germanys Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
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Old 04-05-2019, 07:57   #5468
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I bought my daughter a locket and put a picture of her in it.

Now she is independent.
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Old 04-05-2019, 08:17   #5469
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Re: The New Joke Thread

LS,


Good one. I don't know whether to Groan, then LOL or the other way around.
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Old 04-05-2019, 08:28   #5470
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The only thing that had going for it was I had to think about it for a second.
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Old 04-05-2019, 14:47   #5471
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Release the Kraken............
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Old 05-05-2019, 14:47   #5472
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Re: The New Joke Thread

*At the hospital*

Whats your height, sir?

183 cm, doctor.

Im no doctor, sir. Im the coffin maker...
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Old 06-05-2019, 13:23   #5473
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.
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Old 06-05-2019, 13:25   #5474
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Better yet...


You know that peculiar amusement when you look from above at a particle physicist finishing his pint of beer?

It's the strange charm of a top-down bottoms up.
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Old 06-05-2019, 13:28   #5475
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and vibrates?






A nervous wreck.....
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