Is tomorrow Tuesday or June?
We're all brave in our own way.
For example, I'm not afraid of raw cookie dough.
I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning
and I don't know who's side I'm on.
One minute you're young and fun. And the next, you're turning down
the stereo in your car to see better.
Saying "have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly,
but saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" can get you arrested
for making terroristic threats. Go figure.
I don't pretend to be something I'm not.
Except sober. I've pretended to be sober a few times.
Remember when Botox was a taboo subject?
Now you mention it and nobody raises an eyebrow.
When somebody asks what I did over the weekend
I squint my eyes and ask "why - what did you hear"?
Potatos make french fries, crisps, and vodka.
It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.
A waffle is simply a more considerate pancake. Like: Here, let me hold
that syrup for you in these convienient boxes.
Sorry I missed your phone
call. I took too long to answer
because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Good Moms let your lick the cake-batter beaters...
Great Moms turn them off first.
Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike.
HEY! It's 25th May! In only six months you can switch from your regular anxiety to your fancy Christmas