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Old 16-11-2017, 16:08   #2626
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I heard that was the Jamaican Navy ...... dey Scan di Navy in, man!
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Old 17-11-2017, 13:55   #2627
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I talked with my mailman today. He told me he was going to Spain on vacation.

I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He didn't even crack a smile.

I guess with a mailman it's all about the delivery.
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Old 19-11-2017, 12:52   #2628
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
Do you feel depressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about JOHNNY WALKER

JOHNNY WALKER is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of JOHNNY WALKER almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, youíll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

JOHNNY WALKER may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker.

Warnings:
The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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Old 19-11-2017, 12:56   #2629
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The year is 2222 and George and Pauline land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles from all their foreign holidays.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. George asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Pauline brings up the subject of sex.

Just how do you guys do it?' asks Pauline.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Pauline and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's only got a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Pauline.

'Why?', he asks, 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears..

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, George asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Pauline, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!!!'
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Old 20-11-2017, 14:12   #2630
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Fence Repair - Queensland style !!!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Ipswich, another is from Sandgate, and the third is from Peregian Beach. All three go with an official to examine the fence...

The Ipswich contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Sandgate contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Peregian Beach contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Peregian Beach contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Sandgate to fix the fence."

"Done!" Replies the government official.

And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works. L
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Old 20-11-2017, 16:43   #2631
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Re: The New Joke Thread

....and of vourse, the openings in the fence werre fitted with 'bogan' gates.

No relation to Bill and Melinda - a bogan gate is the name given to a 3-strand barbed-wire 'gate' in which the three strands are fixed to a post at the 'hinge' end and to a pole at the open end, with a plain wire loop attached to the top of the pole which loops over the top of the 'latch' post.

Also known as a Queensland gate.

Clutch-starting a tractor downhill is also known as a 'Queensland start'.

Dunno why....



According to wikipedia, in NZ it's known as a Taranaki gate, in the UK as a Hampshire gate. Presumably Kiwis and Hampshire-ites are as useless at gate-building as Queenslanders?

Ever practical, the Seppos apparently call them ... wire gates.
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Old 20-11-2017, 17:26   #2632
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
....and of vourse, the openings in the fence werre fitted with 'bogan' gates.

No relation to Bill and Melinda - a bogan gate is the name given to a 3-strand barbed-wire 'gate' in which the three strands are fixed to a post at the 'hinge' end and to a pole at the open end, with a plain wire loop attached to the top of the pole which loops over the top of the 'latch' post.

Also known as a Queensland gate.

Clutch-starting a tractor downhill is also known as a 'Queensland start'.

Dunno why....



According to wikipedia, in NZ it's known as a Taranaki gate, in the UK as a Hampshire gate. Presumably Kiwis and Hampshire-ites are as useless at gate-building as Queenslanders?

Ever practical, the Seppos apparently call them ... wire gates.
Where I grew up (western Canada) they were just called "gates". Is there another kind?
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Old 20-11-2017, 18:34   #2633
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In little Johnny's class the teacher started the day by telling the class," Today children we will do math story problems! And Little Johnny your first. If there are three blackbirds setting on a telephone wire and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?? Little Johnny thinks and says "none". No that's not right Little Johnny, but why did you say "none". Well if I shoot one I'll scare all the others away!!. No the answers is two, but I like the way you think! Well teacher, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU. THERE ARE THREE YOUNG LADIES ON A PARK BENCH WITH ICE CREAM CONES. ONE IS LICKING IT, ONE IS SUCKING IT AND ONE IS BITING IT. which ONE IS MARRIED?? a LITTLE FLUSTERED THE TEACHER ANSWERS, "THE ONE SUCKING IT?" NO ACTUALLY ITS THE ONE WEARING THE WEDDING RING, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK!!.
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Old 20-11-2017, 19:54   #2634
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The traveling salesman walks up and knocks on the door.

Little Johnny opens the door smoking a Cohiba Cigar and holding a handle of Jack.

The salesman asks: Are your parents home?

Little Johnny Responds: What the f**k do you think?
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Old 21-11-2017, 02:58   #2635
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Funnily enough there is a one horse town between Parkes and Condobolin in Western NSW called Bogan Gate!

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Old 21-11-2017, 12:12   #2636
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Re: The New Joke Thread

@boden36:

I wonder if there are any bogan gates in Mooball?

Ann
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Old 28-11-2017, 11:44   #2637
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And now...into the abyss!!

I don't know why everyone is worried about the heat death of the universe. I think it will be 0K.
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Old 28-11-2017, 12:06   #2638
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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And now...into the abyss!!

I don't know why everyone is worried about the heat death of the universe. I think it will be 0K.
Oooh - way too subtle.
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Old 28-11-2017, 17:06   #2639
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
And now...into the abyss!!

I don't know why everyone is worried about the heat death of the universe. I think it will be 0K.
Took me a while to spot that one.
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Old 28-11-2017, 18:45   #2640
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Good one. It relies on being both a keen reader -- who catches the difference between 0 and O -- and a bit of a science nerd, too.
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