The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Is it safe to come out yet?

[svmariane]

So we were down to the pub, having a quiet beer like folk do, and George, he says he'd just been to court that afternoon and the Judge asks...

“When is your birthday?“

“February 20th, Your Honor.”

“And what year?”

“Every year, Your Honor.”
***

That George, you know? Bit of a laugh. So the beers kick in, I guess, cause George started a ruminating and a cogitating, coming out with the weirdest thoughts, like...


Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.
***

What if the spider I killed in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?
***

My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.
***

The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe…
So is farming a big thing in the underworld?
***

Bill Gates and I have a combined fortune of approximately 80 billion dollars.
***

How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?!
***

Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?
***

If you’re waiting to be served in a restaurant,
shouldn’t you be called the waiter?
***

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming?
It’s always like bam, there’s a snail.
***

You know, it would be very nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you'd get closer to your destination.
***


BTW.... I’d love to know how the phrase “when the **** hits the fan” came into being... with dates, names and pictures.

[LakeSuperior]

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.

[svmariane]

Okay... this is admittedly off the wall, so please be open-minded and willing to deal with alternative reality.

Take a poem, or song lyrics, and run it though Google translate from English into another language and then put the results back into Google translate for English. Results? Check out this young lady's musical video for what happened when she did just that with "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.

Wait!

It doesn't matter what you think of Queen...
Nor what you might think 'bout Freddie Mercury...
Galileo! Let it go! Let it go! Let it go
and enjoy the parody.


{Original lyrics on screen top; re-re-translated lyrics on screen bottom.
Original music, so headset recommended.}


This young lady has a voice that should win awards!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwOH3YsraNs

Want an alternative version? How about crime-drama?
Cops & criminals & a shootout! Mama Mia! Check it out...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJO7bcRVPvI

[delmarrey]

This is a real joke! I just want to install this very small bilge pump. But it takes a fortune of equipment and time to do it. Read the instructions....... Hard hat? Gas mask? I wonder what size of crane I should use?


.

[Steadman Uhlich]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

This is a real joke! I just want to install this very small bilge pump. But it takes a fortune of equipment and time to do it. Read the instructions....... Hard hat? Gas mask? I wonder what size of crane I should use?


.

This should do it.... And it floats, so you can bring it alongside port or starboard as needed.

[Pelagic]

Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!



NICKNAMES

1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



EATING OUT

1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.



When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.



MONEY



1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.





BATHROOMS

1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

2. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

1. A woman has the last word in any argument.

2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.





FUTURE

1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.





MARRIAGE

1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.





NATURAL

1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.





OFFSPRING

1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.







THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor .... and to the men who will enjoy reading.

[svmariane]

Morning arrives, got that first cup of coffee with its caffeine kick...
time to get the brain functioning. Riddle me this:


Say the name of the mother.

I have a cat that has three kittens: Mopsy, Topsy, and Spot.

What is the mother's name.

[svmariane]

No question marks in the above, right?
So then: "What" is the mother's name as was stated.

[Therapy]

Punctuation counts.
Which is why we have not eaten grandma.

[hafa]

Originally Posted by svmariane

..."What" is the mother's name...

But, who's on first...

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by hafa

But, who's on first...

A variation... Dialog & characters change about 40 seconds into things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0Jg7pvVzKk

[Slowtack]

Where can I find out about these interesting U.S. early retirement plans?

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Slowtack

Where can I find out about these interesting U.S. early retirement plans?

Here you go, with step-by-step instructions:

1) Be born.
2) Go to school. (Hint: graduation helps.)
3) Get a job.
4) Work & save.
5) Repeat step #4 as necessary.
6) At age 62 apply for early retirement.



Alternative instructions:

1) Be inventive/creative. Like Bill Gates, for example.



Advanced course - not for novices:

1) Choose the proper parents. Like Rothschild, for example.


There you go! Good luck!