Cruisers Forum
 


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rating: Thread Rating: 5 votes, 4.80 average. Display Modes
Old 16-10-2017, 13:13   #2611
D&D
Marine Service Provider
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Blue Mountains, Australia
Boat: now skippering Syd Harbour charters
Posts: 1,544
Re: The New Joke Thread

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
D&D is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-10-2017, 15:19   #2612
Moderator
 
carstenb's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2012
Location: At sea in the pacific
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 5,361
Images: 1
Re: The New Joke Thread

Irish Hunting Trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them
into the Rockies for a week, hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and
he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some very high mountains, even on full power, the little
plane couldn't handle the load and it went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
__________________
I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by

www.svcapri.com
carstenb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-10-2017, 16:17   #2613
Registered User
 
AnglaisInHull's Avatar

Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sailing Lake Ontario
Boat: Mirage 35
Posts: 844
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
-snip-

Just for the record: If I ever go missing you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.
-snip-
This doesn't fit a joke thread unless I'm the joke, but it really happened: on one occasion when I was in university my roommate really wanted me to see a message when I got home - so he taped it to the case of beer in the fridge.
__________________
My boat is like me. People look, and say "... pretty good shape ... for its age ..."
AnglaisInHull is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24-10-2017, 15:18   #2614
D&D
Marine Service Provider
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Blue Mountains, Australia
Boat: now skippering Syd Harbour charters
Posts: 1,544
Re: The New Joke Thread

SEX IN THE SHOWER

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents say that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 14% said They hadn't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye.



PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT THE MESSENGER.....LOL!!!!

Have a good day...
D&D is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26-10-2017, 11:32   #2615
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,832
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
SEX IN THE SHOWER

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
Just a thought:

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.

__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26-10-2017, 11:35   #2616
Moderator
 
Adelie's Avatar

Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: La Ciudad de la Misión Didacus de Alcalá en Alta California, Virreinato de Nueva España
Boat: Cal 20
Posts: 11,271
The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Just a thought:



I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom

until they are flashing behind you.





That's still freedom, freedom to take the consequences of your choices.
__________________
Num Me Vexo?
A house is but a boat so poorly built and so firmly run aground no one would think to try and refloat it.
Adelie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26-10-2017, 12:18   #2617
Registered User
 
svmariane's Avatar

Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,832
Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
That's still freedom, freedom to take the consequences of your choices.
Of course it is! I completely agree. I'm only pointing out the irony.
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
svmariane is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26-10-2017, 13:46   #2618
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 57
Re: The New Joke Thread

There was a mixup and Bill Clinton went to heaven and the Pope went to hell.
Arrangements were made to correct this and the two chatted to each other on the way to where they should have gone.
Pope "I can't wait to get my hands on that Virgin Mary!".
Bill "sorry ..too late"
quandary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-10-2017, 03:23   #2619
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Brisbane
Boat: Lightwave 45, launced Nov 17 .Previous self built Roberts 36
Posts: 201
Re: The New Joke Thread

ok, not a joke...maybe.. the head line made me laugh out loud...

"Man who cut off 52yo's testicle in Port Macquarie motel room was just trying to help, court hears"

Man who cut off 52yo's testicle in Port Macquarie motel room was just trying to help, court hears - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)
Glenn C is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-10-2017, 04:14   #2620
Registered User
 
danielamartindm's Avatar

Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Boat: Leopard 39
Posts: 860
Re: The New Joke Thread

There once was a grifter named Hill
Who married a pervert named Bill
They drink what they want
From the taxpayer font
And those who'd rat out, they just kill.
danielamartindm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-10-2017, 04:56   #2621
CF Adviser
 
Pelagic's Avatar

Join Date: Oct 2007
Boat: Van Helleman Schooner 65ft StarGazer
Posts: 9,170
Re: The New Joke Thread

Was that Bob Gelding by any chance?
Pelagic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-10-2017, 18:55   #2622
Moderator
 
JPA Cate's Avatar

Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: aboard, cruising in Australia
Boat: Sayer 46' Solent rig sloop
Posts: 19,345
Re: The New Joke Thread

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her young man,
"Get off the divan,"
"I think that I've found one more way!"
__________________
Who scorns the calm has forgotten the storm.
JPA Cate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2017, 09:51   #2623
Moderator
 
carstenb's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: May 2012
Location: At sea in the pacific
Boat: Jeanneau Sun Fast 40.3
Posts: 5,361
Images: 1
Re: The New Joke Thread

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong.

“The word is celebrate not celibate,” says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
__________________
I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by

www.svcapri.com
carstenb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15-11-2017, 13:30   #2624
D&D
Marine Service Provider
 
D&D's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Blue Mountains, Australia
Boat: now skippering Syd Harbour charters
Posts: 1,544
Re: The New Joke Thread

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.



She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.



When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had
stolen from the store..

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give
you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering
husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
D&D is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-11-2017, 08:35   #2625
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 357
Re: The New Joke Thread

Did you hear that the Norwegian military is going to put a barcode on the hulls of all their ships?






That way when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
__________________
Herreshoff preferred Multi's...........
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." A. Lincoln
PhiSig1071 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Advertise Here


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 20:28.


Google+
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.