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Old 04-02-2018, 07:22   #2776
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."

The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".

"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."

"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".

"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
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Old 04-02-2018, 10:40   #2777
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our
>> toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I
>> left to take care of another matter before she returned
>>
>> She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat
>> on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry
>> epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
>>
>> About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and
>> pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the
>> toilet seat bolts.
>>
>> Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency
>> room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her
>> (Try to get a mental picture of this.
>>
>> My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor,
>> I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
>>
>> The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one
>> mounted and framed."
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Old 04-02-2018, 10:44   #2778
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 04-02-2018, 10:45   #2779
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 04-02-2018, 10:46   #2780
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Old 05-02-2018, 09:15   #2781
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Not really a joke, this just happened to me. Two days ago an American guy from the end of my dock asked me where I was going to watch the Superbowl. I told him I wasn't really interested in bowling. His brain shutdown at that moment while he stared at me and tried to make sense of what I said. After a pause he started to explain that it was football, at that point I couldn't keep a straight face anymore, he said "good one, you got me, I'll get you back."

So this morning on the radio net I was trying to buy something on the swaps and trades and I found out there's a trade embargo slapped on me by the U.S. government. He got me.

Ok that last paragraph is fake news but, Steve, if you're reading this, I'm looking forward to a good payback!

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Old 05-02-2018, 20:22   #2782
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."

The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".

"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."

"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".

"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
That was painful.
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Old 05-02-2018, 20:59   #2783
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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That was painful.
Yeah, I kind'a agree with you!
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Old 06-02-2018, 09:29   #2784
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I went to the doctor last week for some checkup.
He gave me a form to fill out while he was studying my file.
Shortly after beginning to fill out the form my pen dried out.

" Doc do you have an other pen for me? Mine went dry."

"No problem" says he and reaches in his pocket and hands me one.

"Hm" I say, "Doc, you gave me a thermometer instead of a pen."

"Oh crap" says he " some A..hole has my pen."

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Old 06-02-2018, 09:59   #2785
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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After a pause he started to explain that it was football, at that point I couldn't keep a straight face anymore, he said "good one, you got me, I'll get you back."
So football finally got somewhere in the US, right?
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Old 06-02-2018, 10:04   #2786
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A mom takes her son Johnny to see Santa at the mall. Johnny sits on Santa's lap. Santa says, "What do you want for Christmas, son?" Johnny says, "I want a f**king Lego set and a f**king bicycle right under the Christmas tree."

Santa calls over Johnny's mom and says, "Do you want him to stop talking like that?" "Yes of course", she says. "Then instead of those nice things he wants, give him dog poop."

It's Christmas morning. Johnny wakes up and sees the dog poop under the tree. The doorbell rings. It's his friend Chris.

Chris says, "I got a new skateboard! What did you get for Christmas?" Johnny says, "I got a f**king dog, but I can't find him.
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Old 06-02-2018, 16:16   #2787
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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So football finally got somewhere in the US, right?
Not really, they call it football, but their feet rarely touch the ball.
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Old 07-02-2018, 07:52   #2788
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Pretend you’re a grocery store and you provide service like a doctor for Medicare.

I come in and get $100.00 worth of groceries and give you my card.
You have to send the list to Medicare and they will allow you about $36.00.
In two months they will send you a check for 80% of that.
You have to send me a bill for the other 20%.
If I had beer in the groceries they would call that non-covered and not pay that $6.00.
You cannot bill me for the $6.00.
If I come in again to get groceries and you want to call Medicare to see if you will get paid for what I have in my cart they will not tell you.
They tell you, you have to give me the groceries and they will decide later.

That is pretty much how it works.

Docs, please feel free to elaborate and/or correct me.
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Old 07-02-2018, 13:13   #2789
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Pretend you’re a grocery store and you provide service like a doctor for Medicare.

I come in and get $100.00 worth of groceries and give you my card.
You have to send the list to Medicare and they will allow you about $36.00.
In two months they will send you a check for 80% of that.
You have to send me a bill for the other 20%.
If I had beer in the groceries they would call that non-covered and not pay that $6.00.
You cannot bill me for the $6.00.
If I come in again to get groceries and you want to call Medicare to see if you will get paid for what I have in my cart they will not tell you.
They tell you, you have to give me the groceries and they will decide later.

That is pretty much how it works.

Docs, please feel free to elaborate and/or correct me.
Close, except that to make it a true comparison, the store charges you $5000 for your groceries and gets 3k back from insurance. Then the CEO skims a thou off the top and uses it to, oh, I dunno, finance a winning campaign for governor of Florida. Then another thou to keep the pet politicians in line, and the store is still making 900 bucks on your $100 worth of groceries.

Sounds like a good deal to me.
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Old 07-02-2018, 13:20   #2790
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Wow guys do we really want to ruin the joke thread with a healthcare debate?
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