The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

Originally Posted by StuM

Thus disproving LakeSuperior's statement that "puns are the highest form of humour"

Perhaps I misquoted.

It has been said that, in general, puns are the highest form of humor.

[LakeSuperior]

You know what I love best about camouflage jokes? You don't see them coming!

[Eigenvector]

I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg.

We answered the age old question.

[micah719]

Had pasta and and antipasta for dinner; feels like I didn't eat anything at all.

[micah719]

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh*t’.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but are primarily designed to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
And lastly ……..

SOB TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shop while yelling ‘SON OF A B*TCH!’ at the top of your lungs. This is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Nightcrawler]

Originally Posted by D&D

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
Do you feel depressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about JOHNNY WALKER

JOHNNY WALKER is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of JOHNNY WALKER almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you’ll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

JOHNNY WALKER may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker.

Warnings:
The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of JOHNNY WALKER may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

. . .and helpin white people dance.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Nightcrawler

. . .and helpin white people think they can dance.

There, fixed if for yah!

[danielamartindm]

How does Hillary Clinton know when Bill's been out with other women?

He comes home smelling of pepper spray.

[john61ct]

One day, the president and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival, they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens, she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once a day. "Dozens of times," was the reply. "Please tell that to the president," Mrs. Coolidge requested.

When the president passed the pens and was told about the rooster, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The president nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

[micah719]

Retirement Options in the U.S.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiny from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ….
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is “He is different, She is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder”.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[Sawbonz]

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary numbers and those that don’t.

[Adelie]

There are 2 types of people in the world:
Those that think there are 2 types of people and those that don’t.

[micah719]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I

I’m great at multi-tasking — I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice — I’m not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met .

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

[tsell]

Originally Posted by Adelie

There are 2 types of people in the world:
Those that think there are 2 types of people and those that don’t.

There are 3 types of people in the world. Those that can count and those that can't.

[Buzzman]

Nope, there's only two types of people in the world....

Me, and...

the rest of you crazy sumbitches.