The New Joke Thread

[0urh]

WOMEN
Two female friends are catching up: "So, how was your evening last night?" "A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare in 4 minutes, 'granted' me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?"
"Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful..."

MEN
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are 'networking': "So, how was your evening last night?" "Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?"
"A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful...! Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ****ing candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get aroused, and another one to climax. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing..."

[0urh]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.*

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,”says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Fawl off by self!”

[KarelKronqvist]

Had a good laugh out of the jokes in this thread. Thanks!

[svmariane]

So, was down to the pub and here's some random overheard stuff....


“Darn, Roger... why did you two split up?”

“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she spent the whole night at her sister’s!”

“So? Maybe she did.”

“Yeah, no way. I spent the whole night at her sister’s!”

***

"I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again."

***

"I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say 'Get down!' anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's: Donald! Duck!"

***

"I did a self-defense course.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now."

***

"I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars."

***

"When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch."

****

"When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that."

***

"There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“

***


BTW: Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0.8?

A: About two days of no drinking.


{Oh, shut up.... I'm Russian & I can deal with that! <hick>}

[svmariane]

So somethings been bothering me ....

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!

To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

Today I found a mosquito. I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!

[Deltasailor]

A Russian woman athlete was using steroids, went to the team Doctor. Doctor Doctor, I'm growing a penis!
Anobolic? No............ just a penis.

[svmariane]

What you put on the web stays forever (or at least a very long time)!

Original German version found here: Fliegerwitze
Aktualisiert : 13. April 2008
Well, that's the earliest version I've noted.

So please don't shoot (Or sue!) the messenger.


Pilot: Ladies and Gentlemen, Captain speaking. May I have your attention please. There's been a slight, repeat, slight, mechanical malfunction that will delay our arrival at your tropical paradise resort. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

If you look out the left windows you'll note that the engine is afire. And if you look out the right windows you'll see that engine is also afire. Everyone please remain calm, as our flight crew are trained for these sort of emergencies.

First: We will have to make an emergency water landing.

Second: Will everyone who cannot swim please move to the right side of the aircraft. And will everyone who CAN swim please move to the left side of the aircraft.

Now: Those of you on the left.... The air hostess will come down the isle and distribute life vests. Remember NOT to inflate or pull the red tabs until exiting the aircraft.

Next..... Those of you on the right..... Thank you for flying Coconut Airlines!

[D&D]

WELCOME to 2017


Civilization in 2017- this is priceless!!!
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared - Shitless!

[snort]

[Jdege]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1MWocHI3QM

[0urh]

Originally Posted by D&D

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared - Shitless!

And Boatless

Stay Calm - Achieve Inner Peace!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. A renowned psycho-analyst on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see the things I'd started and hadn't finished. As a result I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pee. An telum, u blody luvum!

[john61ct]

Not enough lifetimes. . .

[D&D]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again!"


So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"


He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."

[masou]

what did one sailor say to the other ? "ill sea you later

[delmarrey]

There are only 11 times in history where the"F"word has been considered appropriate usage; they are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- George Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"
-- Hillary Clinton, 2016