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Old 28-05-2017, 15:57   #2161
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by D&D View Post
****

Why do merchant sailors call yachties WAFI's?

Wind Assisted F-----g Idiots

Okay, you boat-less sand-grubber! Game on!!! {Note 1}


***I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted. She replied: "Hilarious. Why would we choose you?"

***You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

***Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

***Oh daddy, I love you so much!
Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!




Note 1: Hyphenated words are meant tongue-in-cheek.

Note 2: I really need a good hobby. What do you think... Drone copter with streaming video camera and semi-auto 22 cal short barrel rifle? Post comments or ideas below...
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Old 28-05-2017, 16:08   #2162
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Okay, you boat-less sand-grubber!
Ouch ...although there could be a boat happening soon...

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
I really need a good hobby. What do you think... Drone copter with streaming video camera and semi-auto 22 cal short barrel rifle? Post comments or ideas below...
Is the rifle to be installed on the drone? ...or used (short barrel to make it challenging!?) to shoot at the drone, making it a 2-person 'sport'?
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Old 28-05-2017, 16:21   #2163
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Ouch ...although there could be a boat happening soon...


Is the rifle to be installed on the drone? ...or used (short barrel to make it challenging!?) to shoot at the drone, making it a 2-person 'sport'?
Good on ya about the boat! Success and may she be what you want!

Rifle installed on the drone. Aerial assault bird.


...

Wait!!!! Is this being recorded? First Amendment! Freedom of Speech!!!!


...



...


...

Am I being detained?
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Old 29-05-2017, 04:54   #2164
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Just a semi-auto .22? Nah -- you'll enjoy your new hobby much more with one of these:

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Old 29-05-2017, 05:57   #2165
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Re: The New Joke Thread

More jokes! More jokes!
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Old 29-05-2017, 06:40   #2166
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
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Old 29-05-2017, 06:43   #2167
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How many internet sailors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 others to say, "man, I could do that!"
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Old 29-05-2017, 06:44   #2168
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went sailing.
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Old 29-05-2017, 06:46   #2169
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."
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Old 29-05-2017, 13:50   #2170
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cormorant View Post
Just a semi-auto .22? Nah -- you'll enjoy your new hobby much more with one of these:

Checking the square meters on the aft deck and.... yeah, that'l fit.


Now, what's that thread about folk anchoring too close?
With a storm coming and they're stupidly using a <fill in anchor type>!
And who <do / do not> dinghy over for convo <with / without> beer?


***
Last night I dream't of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

***
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

***
Husband: "I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

Wife: "But yet you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
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Old 05-06-2017, 13:19   #2171
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So we're down at the pub having a few beers and George gets a'talking (like he tends to do). And George, he says...

That: "I had to quit my job at the helium plant. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore that people speak to me in such a voice."

Then, with what's her name bouncing by, he added ruefully that "flirting with a woman is like playing the cello for me. I don’t have a clue how to do it."

And that "North Korea recently changed their volume measurement system. The liter is now only to be called the dear liter." {Might have had something to do with the size of whats-her-name's ... never mind.}

Meanwhile, we'd all thought that he and Georgina were still split but apparently not 'cause George said that she called on Saturday and said that "...the car is broken, it won’t start.”

Says George: “What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?”

“It’s water in the carburetor, love.”

“Oh no, where are you right now?”

“Um, in the little lake behind the house…”



Don't know why, maybe the lake triggered something, but hey, George being George, he added that: "I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants. Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with fish."

Then the beers kick in and George, he's heading to the Little Johnny's room and says kind'a sadly: "By the way... Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!" What? Never mind. Don't know about you but I'm gonna let that lay right there where it fell....

So I log on line. Good website and somebody asks: "What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fat?" So I answer: "Your fingernails."

I love to help in those online Q&A communities.


BTW: Seems that over in the local management school a student came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”





"s'cuse me a moment <burp> beers are kicking in.....


I'm back. Hey, you remember that my wife is from Bavaria? Right?
So in her honor...


How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.






Can't resist, so:

A German driver was pulled over on a Polish highway by the local police.

Polish policeman: "What’s your name, sir?"

German: "Helmut Rauchbraucher."

Policeman: "OK. Age?"

Helmut: "53."

Policeman: "Occupation?"

Helmut: "Oh no, I’m only visiting."


<gotta log off before my wife reads that.............) ;-)
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Old 06-06-2017, 19:56   #2172
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quick question:

Why don't blind people bungee jump?


"Cause it scares the heck out of the dogs!

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Old 06-06-2017, 21:39   #2173
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.
"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a while, then it hits him and he says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
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Old 06-06-2017, 21:52   #2174
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face".
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Old 06-06-2017, 22:03   #2175
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face".
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar......
never mind.
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