The New Joke Thread

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Don't get it? Where's the humor?

It was a humorous way to say that Donny thought he was going rule by fiat as a strong man type and the judicial system handed him his testicles in response.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Adelie

It was a humorous way to say that Donny thought he was going rule by fiat as a strong man type and the judicial system handed him his testicles in response.

🤔 Sounds more like a political statement!

[GILow]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

�� Sounds more like a political statement!

... and the few thousand political jokes in the thread before this one didn't?

[Jason Flare]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore."

[Jason Flare]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

[twohapence]

Rules for growing older.

1. Never pass a toilet
2. Never trust a fart
3. Never waste an erection.

[El Pinguino]

Auckland joke....

'Bro, what have you done to my car!!!!!'

'Sorry Bro, but this truck.... it just came out of nowhere...... it ran a green light...............'

sadly... it isn't really a joke....

[toddster8]

Great Britain: "Brexit is the most moronic, self-destructive act that a country can to to itself."

USA: "Hold my beer..."

[Saleen411]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

Auckland joke....

'Bro, what have you done to my car!!!!!'

'Sorry Bro, but this truck.... it just came out of nowhere...... it ran a green light...............'

sadly... it isn't really a joke....

They say "BRO" in Auckland?. Seriously?

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by twohapence

Rules for growing older.

1. Never pass a toilet
2. Never trust a fart
3. Never waste an erection.

#MeanwhilleInCyberspace.....

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. George Carlin

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck

Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. Bob Hope

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck

I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. Bob Hope

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright

People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns

Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

........ And to finish:

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut



Truth in Stealing: Collected from numerous websites.

[El Pinguino]

The VFL ( Victorian Football League ) and George Burns celebrated their 100 birthdays in the same year... he was invited along to the MCG as guest of honour...

His opening line .. 'Its great to be here! When you are my age its great to be anywhere ...... '

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Saleen411

They say "BRO" in Auckland?. Seriously?

Short form of "Cuzzie Bro".

[Therapy]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.
PLATO:
For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES:
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken “crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER:
It was an instinctive maneuver. The chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross.
BILL CLINTON:
The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

[Pelagic]

ME:
Because the Road doublecrossed the Chicken!

[PhiSig1071]

Blew my mind when I figured out that "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side" was a suicide "joke".