The New Joke Thread

[Sawbonz]

Really? I remember that one from grade school. And I’m OLD! LOL

[Jason Flare]

When Artie was going to choke somebody I knew something was coming.

[D&D]

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.

The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Aldi either!"

[socaldmax]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[delmarrey]

An Machinist dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Machinist is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Machinist is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Machinist? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Machinist go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Machinist on the staff. I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"


I said I'd take either/oar.

[Epicurean]

Why did the blind man fall in the well?










He couldn't see that well.

[svmariane]

Okay... I stole these. Deal.


"I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs."

"I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila."

"I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe."

[socaldmax]

An old but still ruggedly handsome Chief Petty Officer found himself at a gala event in downtown Ottawa, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation. "Excuse me Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The old sailor just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Chief Petty Officer, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I certainly hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[StuM]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

An old but still ruggedly handsome Chief Petty Officer found himself at a gala event in downtown Ottawa, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

A very old joke which is getting harder to tell every year.


Last time was 63 years ago and he's still ruggedly handsome?


Maybe it's time to update it to 2005?

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by StuM

A very old joke which is getting harder to tell every year.


Last time was 63 years ago and he's still ruggedly handsome?


Maybe it's time to update it to 2005?

I did.

It used to be a Marine.

[LakeSuperior]

I asked 100 women what their favorite brand of shampoo was...


The top reply was: "How the hell did you get in here?"

[El Pinguino]

This is not a joke... this is true...honest...

a friend was told by a sale assistant in an upmarket shop just the other day that a product was made of 'vegan leather'


One has to assume it came from a vegan cow........

Yes I know... so before the usual suspects give us chapter and verse from google... I've been there .. looked it up...

[StuM]

Doesn't vegan leather come from naugas - an animal native to Sumatra?