The New Joke Thread

[IslandHopper]

Wisdom from an Indian friend...

No one teaches a Volcano how to Erupt....No one teaches a Tsunami how to Rise...No one teaches a Hurricane how to Sway...No one teaches a MAN how to choose a WIFE or a WOMAN how to choose a HUSBAND.

Natural Disasters Just Happen...

[NSboatman]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Let's see...pissing on the French, hairy legs plus, MREs, happiness that a elderly person got COVID, methinks it's a pretty grime joke thread with a dearth of jokes. Perhaps we should change the title of the thread. Personally I think I will give the thread a rest.

Lake- you’ve been a wonderful contributor here to this thread... and you’re absolutely right. The posts you reference lack the basic ingredient required for inclusion herein.

I will miss it- especially your contributions - but it may well be time.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by NSboatman

Lake- you’ve been a wonderful contributor here to this thread... and you’re absolutely right. The posts you reference lack the basic ingredient required for inclusion herein.

I will miss it- especially your contributions - but it may well be time.

I, too, will miss Lake Superior's posts. Fair winds, mate. I won't let it go now. I'm pretty sure the jokes thread will revive itself, possibly after the presidential election in the US, on the first Tues. of November.

Ann

[JPA Cate]

I found this in another thread.


Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."

"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.

"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."

"What good would knowing a second language be?

That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."
__________________
Gord May

[kapnd]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

So one day, the parts of man's body were having a conversation and bitching about life.
The brain: you guys have got it easy, I'm up here, having to run the whole show, day in, day out, I'm beat, man, I'm beat.
The stomach: Ha, that's nothing, I have to decompose an ungodly amount of hotdogs, hamburgers and cheap beer, each and every day, I'm plain tuckered out.
The feet : Don't know what you guys are complaining about, my owner wraps me in this leather containment device and then steps on me all day long.
The dick : You guys think I hang around all day, but at night, my owner gets me up, forces me go inside a dark cave and make me do pushups till I puke !

Furthermore, my two closest friends are nuts, and I live around the corner from a real *******!

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

I found this in another thread.





Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...



He asked again, in German.



Again, the two workers did not understand him.



He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.



He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.



One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."



"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.



"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."



"What good would knowing a second language be?



That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."

__________________

Gord May

Gee, I wonder what country that airport was in? [emoji849]

[Lost Horizons]

Originally Posted by belizesailor

Gee, I wonder what country that airport was in? [emoji849]

Let me guess. China?

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by belizesailor

Gee, I wonder what country that airport was in? [emoji849]

Awesome!!!! Thanks. [emoji1]

[Uncle Bob]

Won't please everyone but I'm sure some will smile.

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1601700246

[Singularity]

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times."

[sailorphil9]

Originally Posted by StuM

A French invasion of Great Britain was planned to take place in 1759 during the Seven Years' War*, but due to various factors (including naval defeats at the Battle of Lagos and the Battle of Quiberon Bay) was never launched. The French planned to land 100,000 French soldiers in Britain to end British involvement in the war. The invasion was one of several failed and defeated French attempts during the 18th century to invade Britain.

*The Seven Years' War (1756–1763) was a global conflict, "a struggle for global primacy between Britain and France,"

On Wednesday February 22nd, the French warships sailed into Fishguard Bay to be greeted by canon fire from the local fort. Unbeknown to the French, the cannon was being fired as an alarm to the local townsfolk. Nervously the ships withdrew and sailed on until they reached a small sandy beach near the village of Llanwnda. Men, arms and gunpowder were unloaded and by 2 am on the morning of Thursday February 23rd, the last invasion of Britain was completed. The ships returned to France with a special despatch being sent to the Directory in Paris informing them of the successful landing.
Upon landing, the French invasion force appear to have run out of enthusiasm for the ‘cunning plan’. Perhaps as a result of years of prison rations, they seem to have been more interested in the rich food and wine the locals had recently removed from a grounded Portuguese ship. After a looting spree, many of the invaders were too drunk to fight and within two days, the invasion had collapsed: Tate’s force surrendered to a local militia force led by Lord Cawdor on February 25th 1797.
Strange that the surrender agreement drawn up by Tate’s officers referred to the British coming at them “with troops of the line to the number of several thousand.” No such troops were anywhere near Fishguard, however hundreds, perhaps thousands of local Welsh women dressed in their traditional scarlet tunics and tall black felt hats had come to witness any fighting between the French and the local men of the militia. Is it possible that at a distance, and after a glass or two, those women could have been mistaken for British army Redcoats?
During their two days on British soil the French soldiers must have shaken in their boots at mention of name of “Jemima Fawr” (Jemima the Great). The 47-year-old Jemima Nicholas was the wife of a Fishguard cobbler. When she heard of the invasion, she marched out to Llanwnda, pitchfork in hand, and rounded up twelve Frenchmen. She ‘persuaded’ them to accompany her back into town, where she locked them inside St Mary’s Church and promptly left to look for some more! Men of Harlech meet your match!

[sailorphil9]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

Being unshaven, I think the French call it going " au naturel"....

but I'm here to tell you, waking up at night and feeling a hairy leg alongside yours is EXTREMELY unnerving and will elicit a scream to wake the neighborhood....

Don't mention the Germans...they shave nothing...I married one (female, just to be clear).

[StuM]

Originally Posted by sailorphil9

On Wednesday February 22nd, the French warships sailed into Fishguard Bay

That was quite a bit later than the Seven Years War. It happened in 1797. Another factoid: the French invasion force was led by an Irish-American

[El Pinguino]

Anyone interested in a joke??

Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replied.

"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nodded.

"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"

She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by belizesailor

Gee, I wonder what country that airport was in? [emoji849]

Well it wasn't in Chicago 'cos he tried Polish.....
If the joke teller was English then the airport was in Ireland...
If the joke teller was 'Strayan then it was Auckland..

And so it goes......