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Old 30-09-2015, 13:57   #421
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
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Old 30-09-2015, 13:57   #422
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Re: The New Joke Thread

. Q: Why did the robber take a bath? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
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Old 01-10-2015, 01:45   #423
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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. Q: Why did the robber take a bath? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
OMG, Therapy, what's next? elephant jokes?

Thanks for the smile.

Ann
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Old 01-10-2015, 02:05   #424
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate View Post
OMG, Therapy, what's next? elephant jokes?

Thanks for the smile.

Ann
Since you asked so nicely:


Why do elephants paint there toenails red?
.
.
.
.
So that they can hide in cherry trees.
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Old 01-10-2015, 02:19   #425
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why do ducks have big feet?
So they can stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big feet
So they can stamp out burning ducks

ok take me outta here
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Old 01-10-2015, 07:20   #426
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Re: The New Joke Thread

With the coming season...
How do you tell the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman....
Snow balls;-)
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Old 01-10-2015, 07:24   #427
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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With the coming season...
How do you tell the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman....
Snow balls;-)
Let me guess...


she carries his snowballs in her purse...
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Old 01-10-2015, 07:35   #428
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The new catamarans are out. Please consider the added wind displacement when factoring your scope and rode.
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Old 01-10-2015, 07:59   #429
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A tourist visiting Australia for the first time was going through customs.

"Do you have a criminal record?" Inquired the customs official.

"I didn't know that you still needed one." Replied the tourist.
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Old 01-10-2015, 17:44   #430
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Speaking of customs/migration officials:

Angela Merkel went to Greece recently:

Official: Name?
Angela: Angela Merkel.

Official: Occupation?
Angela: No, just visiting this time.
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Old 01-10-2015, 19:36   #431
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate View Post
OMG, Therapy, what's next? elephant jokes?



Thanks for the smile.



Ann
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and peanut-butter?

A: The elephant won't stick to the roof of your mouth.


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Old 01-10-2015, 19:37   #432
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why do elephants have grooves on the bottom of their feet?

To give ants a 50-50 chance.


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Old 01-10-2015, 19:39   #433
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
Engineers' Conversion Table







1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 1000 mockingbirds =1 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

25. Should be 8 nickels = 2 paradigms


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Old 01-10-2015, 22:08   #434
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied.

"No, that other thing," Johnny insisted.

"Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered.

"No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed.

"Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants."

Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?"

"That's his trunk, son," Dad said.

"No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated.

"Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny."

"Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing."

"Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
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Old 01-10-2015, 23:02   #435
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This smoking ban in cars is a disgrace. Having a pint without a cigarette just isn't the same.
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