The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.She said... "Who was that guy?"

[Half Fast]

An old walking down the street looks down and sees a frog. The frog says "pick me up", so the old man picks up the frog. The frog tells the old man, "If you kiss me I will turn in to a beautiful young woman and satisfy your every desire."
The man puts the frog in his pocket and keeps walking. The frog yells from his pocket, "Aren't you going to kiss me?!" The old man replies, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

[svmariane]

A collection from a beginner's writing class for budding authors....


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[jeanathon]

Those are great . Whatever happened to the thanks button on the mobile app?


Sent from my SM-T230NU using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[unclemack]

Originally Posted by svmariane

A collection from a beginner's writing class for budding authors....

Good find!

[socaldmax]

A collection of some of the worst writing in the world ends up being one of the better jokes in the joke thread. That has to mean something.

[unclemack]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

A collection of some of the worst writing in the world ends up being one of the better jokes in the joke thread. That has to mean something.

Nah, I reckon somebody like Zucker & Abrahams wrote that stuff

Just a little too good...

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by unclemack

Good find!

Full disclosure: I actually conceive and develop some of the material I post here, get some jokes from a few of the guys while having sun-downers, and some of it comes from cyberspace.

And occasionally (ahem) am influenced by something or another in a book called "The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-RATED & Politically Incorrect Jokes {UNCENSORED}"

Life in the age of the internet, what?

[svmariane]

So we're back at the pub and George {You do remember George, right?} comes out with something really unexpected that had us shaking our heads because George, he says, "Sure, that was a fun time this weekend but did you ever notice how time flies when you're having fun but how it runs out when time for fun decides it time to fly?"

Well darn, George!

[svmariane]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

[svmariane]

A man and a woman were on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go".

Sound of steps.

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first".

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down".

"Have you got the condom? Quick, put it on".

Sniff, sniff. "Ah, perfect - you think of everything".

"This is great....." (long sigh)


Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the Captain speaking. To those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...



Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

[D&D]

...and at the risk of -- Hopefully no-one here will care about!?! -- being politically INcorrect...

Do you realize that If Bernie Sanders wins the presidency, it will be the first time that a Jewish family moved into public housing that was left vacant by a black family?

[D&D]

Originally Posted by svmariane

A collection from a beginner's writing class for budding authors....


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

...

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

I laughed so hard my sides ached, like when you get caught between the couplers of 2 boxcars coming together...

[carstenb]

Heard at a party

Ever wonder why blonde jokes are one-liners?

that's so men can understand them

[svmariane]

Things to ponder. Stop me if you've heard these before.....


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

4. What if there are no hypothetical questions?

5. Is there another word for synonym?

6. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

7. What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

8. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

9. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

10. How is it possible to have a Civil War?

11. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

12. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?