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Old 18-05-2014, 12:21   #211
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

I would also like to hear her side of this. She may very well bring up factors that were never mentioned.
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Old 18-05-2014, 12:52   #212
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Heck, we never heard back from him. Why would we expect to hear from her?
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Old 18-05-2014, 14:28   #213
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

The OP probably was pretty uncomfortable as a result of seeing strangers talking about his private business.
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Old 18-05-2014, 14:30   #214
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by IdoraKeeper View Post
The OP probably was pretty uncomfortable as a result of seeing strangers talking about his private business.
Huh?!? Then why did he ask...golly, can't for the life of me understand this post at all...

His OP ended with:

Any suggestions?
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Old 18-05-2014, 14:41   #215
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

It was the online equivalent of drunk dialing? Or perhaps he decided to check into what was behind the change of plan. Perhaps the question has been answered and there is nothing left to say. Perhaps he decided it was all his fault and the boat is for sale. Or maybe the post was a novel form of troll.
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Old 18-05-2014, 15:51   #216
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by IdoraKeeper View Post
It was the online equivalent of drunk dialing? Or perhaps he decided to check into what was behind the change of plan. Perhaps the question has been answered and there is nothing left to say. Perhaps he decided it was all his fault and the boat is for sale. Or maybe the post was a novel form of troll.
Perhaps he figured out that it was really an open discussion he and his wife needed and that no one's opinion on here mattered, just what is right for the two of them. I hope that's the case. Here we all insert, whether intentional or not, advice based on our own experiences which range from great marriages to totally fed up with marriage and relationships.
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Old 18-05-2014, 16:03   #217
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

I would like to know who is bearing the financial responsibility for this. Who is having to work hard? Who is making the personal lifestyle sacrifices?

If your wife is financially dependent on you, she suffers from fear of loss - that she will lose everything that she has, and that she has no control over it. Counselling might help, and it might not.

- I occasionaly remind my current partner from time to time that I invited her to share my lifestyle with me, not to control it or change it.

- Once when talking about mobile lifestyles in an RV, she said "I have trouble comprehending a home that moves." I told her "I have trouble comprehending a home that doesn't move."

- When it comes to the boat, and she starts balking, my answer is always the same "you don't have to come, but I would like it if you do".

I have the luxury to do this (and she has the luxury of choosing whether or not to stay with it) because of two factors:
- She is not the mother of any of my children
- We have no financial obligation to one another because we are not legally married

Not everyone has the luxury of a relationship that only persists as long as both parties are willing. I wish everyone did. If she is the mother of your children, and you are married and therefore financially obligated, then you indeed have a very sticky wicket.

One way to handle it, which is rough, is to simply take a leadership position. You have to state very emphatically that for the next period of your life, starting now, you are going to be in full control of all your life decisions, and that there will not be any compromises, and that she if free to share it with you or not.

If she is your financial dependent, then her goal will always be to maintain the status quo - for nothing to ever change, because that is the only control she has over her lifestyle.

In a way, taking that control away from her in a very emphatic and specific way is an act of mercy. It removes from her the illusion that you have shared in the past that you are equal partners in an equal relationship. It frees her to accept the choice of sharing your life and dream with you - or not - without having to accept the responsibility of controlling how and where that lifestyle will be carried out.
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Old 18-05-2014, 18:37   #218
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

But Art, you have only addressed the issue from the standpoint of her being his financial dependent and not a contributor to the financial picture.

What if....they both work, they both have contributed to the savings and purchase of the boat, they both agreed on what the budget would be for the boat and the cruise, they both decided what sacrifices they would make in other areas of their lives in order to finance this dream (his) and then perhaps she grew resentful of the fact that the expenditures were now far exceeding what they had agreed to and she is now fearful that everything she has worked for will similarly disappear in unexpected ways and there will not be anything left for whatever else HE may have agreed to. Or maybe her contribution was even made under a bit of duress because he wanted this so much, she loved him, she agreed to make him happy, he convinced her it was doable within a certain budget and now she doubts that she can trust what he told her and wants out before she loses everything she has worked for. What if she was even going to put a lucrative career on hold in order to pursue this dream of his and now she is questioning the wisdom of that.

If we're going to have anything useful to say we must be able to examine it from more than one narrow viewpoint. Because if there's one thing we can count on, it's that we don't know everything about this situation. We know exactly what the OP wanted us to know so that he could elicit the responses he wanted that would support his viewpoint.

As a professional woman who has been a working partner with my husband for our entire marriage, I have never ever sought to control him, or deprive him of ever having any dream, but I have always had an equal voice in decisions, large and small, financial, lifestyle and otherwise. Due to our mutual love and respect, and because we both genuinely want to see the other happy, and are blessed to share the same interests, it has never been a huge issue for us. Although I would be lying if I said we have never disagreed on how money should be spent. When it happens though, we discuss it between us. Have never taken it to a forum to decide.

But the OP did, for whatever reason I can't possibly imagine, so if our opinion is to be useful to him we have to take more than just the narrow "little housewife in the kitchen has the audacity to tell the king of the castle what he can and cannot do" view and also address the issues that he may not be forthcoming with us about. We should not blindly assume, in a day and age where it is not even uncommon for women to actually make more than their husbands, that he is the only, or even the primary, breadwinner. He may be.....but we can't assume that from anything he has actually said.
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Old 18-05-2014, 18:39   #219
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Good post ArtM.

Complete honesty is really at the crux of many a relationship problem where the guy wants an alternate lifestyle.

Unfortunately many financially dependent women see a cruising lifestyle as a "temporary inconvenience" and play along with their chosen captain until peer pressure about having a settled nest creates ultimatums.

I made a decision early on that children would only reinforce my willingness to Nest and removed that option.

Even then..the modern Western women who became sigificant in my life would eventually lobby for medical reversals and their perceived common law rights to change me.

Ironically, I eventually found happiness and acceptance with a more traditional Eastern woman, who is more comfortable in a supporting role as long as she receives my complete commitment to her happiness and security.

Ten years of relationship bliss without either of us falling into the trap of entitlement!
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Old 18-05-2014, 19:16   #220
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtM View Post
One way to handle it, which is rough, is to simply take a leadership position. You have to state very emphatically that for the next period of your life, starting now, you are going to be in full control of all your life decisions, and that there will not be any compromises, and that she if free to share it with you or not.
That's not leadership. Good leaders try to engage those they are leading.

You see marriage as unequal partners. Could explain a bit why you've chosen not to be married and I have no problem with that.

Some of us however see marriage as two equal partners sharing.

You mention financial which is a poor way to try to dictate control of a marriage and a poor reason for anyone to stay in a marriage. Again, every penny my wife or I have ever made is 50/50 shared. Doesn't matter who earned it. And we consider it that way even though we don't live and have never lived in a community property state.

I know all here mean well, but the OP expressed in his first post that his wife came over boating to him, but he wanted to work both out. Yes, I know that's hard for many to accept and many might disagree with it. But I've also found the lines get drawn in the recommendations based on whether one's own marriage or marriages worked out. Easy for a man who is divorced to tell him to do what he wants and ignore her. If we were on a predominantly female site and she was posting instead of him, the divorced women would be yelling, "tell him if he leaves on the boat not to bother to come back." But the happily married ones wouldn't be saying that.

We had a friend who was a teacher and having marital problems, primarily centered on her husband's work hours and business travel and him never being at home. Amazing when she mentioned it to other teachers how many single and divorced teachers told her to dump him or to issue an ultimatum. Fortunately, others advised talking to him and counseling. Once she found out how much he hated being away so much, they agreed for him to start looking for something different but they could endure this while he looked a few months. Meanwhile they'd save and if he didn't find something, he'd quit and take a lesser job. He ended up taking a sizable pay cut but they ended up very happy.

Now I don't advise unhappy couples to stay together. But I do advise couples who love each other to talk and to discuss if they want it to work. If they do then try counseling before deciding on what to do. And yes I do know a couple who went to a marriage counselor who quickly made them realize they should divorce and became their divorce counselor. One of the friendliest divorces ever. They simply married too young before either of them really knew themselves and their interests and now found out they love each other but have no common interests and didn't enjoy spending extensive time together. Couldn't even agree on a vacation destination.
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Old 18-05-2014, 19:32   #221
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

I am a wife. Seems like you are missing this perspective. I've completed one circumnav and I am house bond waiting for another adventure. My advise to you;

1. Figure out her fear
2. Dissolve the fear
3. Sell her the dream, more trips to Catalina can help
4. The list never ends, if you are not crossing an ocean imminently, the list does not have to be 100 percent
5. go
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Old 18-05-2014, 19:48   #222
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

I agree with what you say but never understood the sanctity of marriage.
It seems to have been formulated to control unhappy relationships.

I believe in life that... "If it doesn't come easy...leave it"
People bang heads to often rather than go with their natural flow... We learn that in sailing.
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Old 18-05-2014, 19:59   #223
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Hi Pelagic, I don't understand your sanctity of marriage reference. They are married which means that they consciously linked their lives together. I am saying that all is not lost if they explore their sailing dreams and figured out the blockers. I know my fear, and it is money. Perhaps hers is the same thing.
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Old 18-05-2014, 20:12   #224
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

The marriage thing is a business! From diamond cartels to dress makers to honeymoon packages... Peer pressure prevents many from prioritizing what they really want in their lives.
It s only a monything when you are already vested in another lifestyle and that is what the marriage business is all about.
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Old 18-05-2014, 20:17   #225
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Re: Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

Well, the money thing for me is that I don't want to be broke when I am in my 90's, and that is why I went back to work. I am now building my kitty again and I will head off again.
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