Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

[BandB]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

You're right, he did say that.

He did not say that she wanted to open a dialogue, or discuss it further, or any other of a hundred different ways to phrase "discuss." So what she said was closer to an ultimatum than a request for discussion. To me, that suggests that she feels she's in a position of power and can issue directives rather than discuss it like an equal. I know a lot of guys like to quote "happy wife, happy life", that sounds like servitude to me. I don't think either partner should be sacrificing their happiness for the other. Ideally, couples would support each other, complement each other, grow and experience new things as a couple, make each other feel free to express themselves and experiment, try new things. They should not disable each other, they should enable each other.

Sounds a lot like what you guys have described yourselves as having. I just wish everyone could experience that. Sorry if that doesn't quite fit with the mistaken misogynistic label some may have put on me. LOL

In the near future, I plan to do a few years of cruising and I'm hoping to find a woman of similar interests to fall in love with and share the adventures. I'm totally honest about what my goals and dreams are, all I'm asking (and I think other guys feel the same) is for a woman to be honest about what she wants, with no doubletalk or ulterior motives.

In this case, his wife's about face concerning cruising is disappointing to put it politely, stronger terms might include "delusional about real costs" or "deceitful" if she never really intended to go through with it. I've seen it before, and it had nothing at all to do with the dream, or the guy, but 100% to do with the person who lied about her intentions, or changed her mind and didn't say anything. The solution is simple: people should communicate freely and be totally honest. I'll leave it to others to explain why that is so rare in this world, I truly have no idea why being honest is so hard for some people.

You truly are judgmental of someone you don't even know and have never talked to.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by BandB

You truly are judgmental of someone you don't even know and have never talked to.

One of you is even more so than I am.

All we have to work with is what is posted on here. My responses are obviously based on what little info was provided by the OP, not someone else's fertile imagination. If she wanted to discuss it, then he would have said she wanted to discuss it.

When he posts "semi-serious ultimatum" it's not too much of a stretch to just call it an ultimatum, a strong word, similar to directive or an order. It's a one way deal, not a two way discussion. If he used the word discussion, then I'd be inferring that she wanted to discuss it, indicating a different mind set.

Or do you think he was joking about the ultimatum thing? I didn't see any emoticons there either...

[BandB]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

.

When he posts "semi-serious ultimatum" it's not too much of a stretch to just call it an ultimatum, a strong word, similar to directive or an order. ...

I'm assuming if he'd wanted to just call it an ultimatum, he would have done so. But he called it "semi" and in "half, partially, incompletely, somewhat" and by calling it semi serious he was also labeling it partially not serious.

That is what he called it.

[Coops]

The op's wife cannot demand this thread be closed, well she can but it means nothing. I got the joke about that by the way. What can happen is all that effort of typing and posting can be deleted if the argument here gets too long and tedious, if it has not already, and personal.

Take it easy.

Coops.

[Pelagic]

I think the real problem here is the length of his dingy....... but again... I could be wrong.

[JPA Cate]

Or maybe the real problem is that Slugmaster hasn't come back with any more input to this thread.....

Ann

[hoppy]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Sell the boat and take up chartering...

Sell the wife and take up whoring

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Or maybe the real problem is that Slugmaster hasn't come back with any more input to this thread.....

Ann

That could be a positive sign, that they are actually working this out between themselves.

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Or maybe the real problem is that Slugmaster hasn't come back with any more input to this thread.....

Ann

Why would he? Was there really any hope at all that his "problem" could be solved here to start with?

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

Why would he? Was there really any hope at all that his "problem" could be solved here to start with?

Possible, this and a few other threads have changed my outlook. I've decided not to allow my self to become irritated when working on the boat, that is something the wife overplays, I.E. if I'm working on the car etc, she leaves as I sometimes let it get under my skin.
Plus I've decided to try my best so that all our trips to the boat are positive, let her go get the prepared food that she likes or us eat out as opposed to having her cook, let her shop to "decorate" the boat, and bite my tongue when I see throw pillows that cost $50 each.

My goal is to make the boat a safe haven, a pleasant, comfortable place to be, if I can accomplish that, then I think getting her to begin leaving home for longer durations will be easier.

[IdoraKeeper]

If talk therapy really has any efficacy, you see it all in this thread. The difference between many of the opinions voiced here appears to me to be based on luck. If you have been so lucky as to encounter only modest adversity you favour dialogue. If you have been so unlucky as to encounter genuine evil you will favor a more proactive self defense. Any person only knows about another person what they are permitted to see. There is nothing so shocking and dissapointing as when evil appears in eden.

[crazyoldboatguy]

I you go right for the nuclear option defense right away, tho. Who does that? The truly paranoid. Reasonable folks try the moderate approach right off, including talk therapy. It is quite possible that the "evil" you refer to doesn't reveal itself immediately. Few folks are truly evil anyway. More likely, the wife could very well be unaware that she didn't want to get so deep into a boat life/project. So many folks have developed ways of responding to the world over many years and it becomes automatic. As has been posted before, what this gentleman sees may be a manifestation of other unresolved issues and he is seeing symptoms, not the real problem. I would agree that talk therapy won't help with someone who is evil but it can help to reveal it.

[weavis]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

I've decided not to allow my self to become irritated when working on the boat, that is something the wife overplays, I.E. if I'm working on the car etc, she leaves as I sometimes let it get under my skin.

.............. bite my tongue when I see throw pillows that cost $50 each.

LOL...

I suffer from the David Mitchell thought pattern syndrome. Im often asked if I write the scripts for him..... ........

As long as you know what will improve your relationship and have the ability to do so....... your on a winner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7SnfOUwHNY

[BandB]

Originally Posted by IdoraKeeper

If talk therapy really has any efficacy, you see it all in this thread. The difference between many of the opinions voiced here appears to me to be based on luck. If you have been so lucky as to encounter only modest adversity you favour dialogue. If you have been so unlucky as to encounter genuine evil you will favor a more proactive self defense. Any person only knows about another person what they are permitted to see. There is nothing so shocking and dissapointing as when evil appears in eden.

Even with evil there are two sides as some just seem to have this special talent for bringing evil out in others.

I had a friend who after three marriages I hope finally is through. Honestly, they've all been great women. And though he's my friend, I absolutely can't imagine anyone remaining married to him. He is so set in his ways and completely inflexible. He's an engineer and tries to engineer his life. Finally he's pushed each of them just to their breaking point. In fact one came back and left again three times. There's a societal pressure for marriage and there are some people for whom it just isn't right for, with anyone. When marriages and relationships continue to fail, either the person is horrible at choosing mates or just horrible to be mated with.

[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by IdoraKeeper

The difference between many of the opinions voiced here appears to me to be based on luck. If you have been so lucky as to encounter only modest adversity you favour dialogue. If you have been so unlucky as to encounter genuine evil you will favor a more proactive self defense. Any person only knows about another person what they are permitted to see. There is nothing so shocking and dissapointing as when evil appears in eden.

I would agree but only if the adversity is self inflicted. Your relationship might survive a modest amount of self inflicted adversity but a lot and it will fail.

Adversity that isn't self inflicted, I totally disagree. I can't think of a couple we know who had a healthy realtionship and weren't drawn together when they met adversity and we know couples who have had some really tough stuff happen to them.

The problem we have with the OP is we only see his side of the story and his comments and perception is colored by the fact that he's not getting his way. The "ultimatum" may have taken many different forms:
- If she had truely agreed to the plan and bough in, added the things she wanted to the plan and he had told her about the $7500 bill and it was budgeted for, kept her in the loop on what was going on and then she responds with "the boat is to be sold by the end of the week or I am leaving", that would be an "ultimatum" and I think most people would agree she is the problem.

On the other hand:
- If he kept pushing her on the idea of going cruising "some day" and she finally said, "sure, we can talk about it as we get closer" but he took it to mean "YES". Then he badgered her into buying more boat than she was comfortable affording and she finally gave in. Then he told her it was "just a little maintenance", so she's thinking a few hundred dollars and she gets a suprise bill for $7500. If her response was, "we need to sit down and talk about this whole cruising thing." He might view that as an "ultimatum" but most people would think it a totaly reasonable request.

Reality is likely somewhere in the middle between those possibilities. Neither is likely the saint nor are either likely evil.

I doubt it would happen but I would invite the OP to have his wife share her side of the story.