The New Joke Thread

[Jdege]

Originally Posted by darylat8750

Come on Gord. Gun control legislation is political....

And accusing red-state politicians of "ignoring science" isn't?

[socaldmax]

You can't make this stuff up...

[Jdege]

An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.

The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.

"No problem," replied the violist.

"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."

"I know. It'll be all right."

The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.

At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"

[fabgo]

Originally Posted by Jdege

An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.

The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.

"No problem," replied the violist.

"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."

"I know. It'll be all right."

The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.

At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"

A classic. I remember this one from my time playing in the student orchestra. Ironically as a last chair violinist. Poor viola players, always the butt of all orchestra jokes. The highlight of my time there was when we played Carmina Burana in the city symphony hall to sold out seats. That was back in 1995, a long time ago now.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

***

***

[chrisr]

three for the price of one...'cause it's easier. enjoy !














cheers,

[chrisr]

oh all right...here's a couple for those of you who can't read pictures...


AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.




WATER IN THE CARBURETTOR

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool".



cheers,

[Yellowtulip]

Originally Posted by chrisr

Attachment 235762







cheers,

That looks more like Avebury. But never mind, it’s funny.

[Barbaria]

Originally Posted by chrisr

oh all right...here's a couple for those of you who can't read pictures...

AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

cheers,

As a senior member of the National Autistic logical association I didn’t get that one

[wolfgal]

Originally Posted by chrisr

oh all right...here's a couple for those of you who can't read pictures...


AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.



cheers,

i do not know how many times a man needs to read this but (go easy guys, i'm not starting any wars here), from experience, i'd say:

any wife needs only to read once (and, perhaps, blurts her coffee across the room, laughing).
while unmarried women might need to read twice...

[MicHughV]

my dad, an avowed puritan, once told me the only joke he knew...
he asked me....." what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup ?"
shrugging my shoulders, he said " you can roast beef......but you can't pee soup"...he thought it was hilarious...

[socaldmax]

Wait, wut?

[socaldmax]

Yum...

[socaldmax]

Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I
was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have
checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my
head was severe. Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal
injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the
left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response:

"Who is Paula?"