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Old 08-11-2019, 13:36   #7216
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Next time you come across a flat-earther, simply point out that if the earth was
actually flat then cats would push everything off of it.
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Old 08-11-2019, 13:46   #7217
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Took my wife to hospital. Sign out front stated:

"Quality Care or your Autopsy is Free!"

Strangely, I was comforted by that.
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Old 08-11-2019, 14:14   #7218
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Took my wife to hospital. Sign out front stated:

"Quality Care or your Autopsy is Free!"

Strangely, I was comforted by that.
How would you ever know if the autopsy is free? They could bill your family and you'd never know the difference.
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Old 08-11-2019, 15:19   #7219
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
How would you ever know if the autopsy is free? They could bill your family and you'd never know the difference.
Sigh... Good point.

Whichever of us dies first, the other might maybe disappear as quickly as a puff of chimney smoke at nighttime in the middle of a howling blizzard? Leave the final bill unpaid and catch me if you can? I don't know. Our peripatetic lifestyle these past 30-odd years might prove advantageous.
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Old 08-11-2019, 15:26   #7220
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, ‘Do you have health insurance?’
He replied in a raspy voice, ‘No’

The nun asked, ‘Do you have money in the bank?’ He replied, ‘No money in the bank.’

The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’ He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.’

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, ‘Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.’


The patient replied, ‘Okay - Send the bill to my brother-in-law.’
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Old 08-11-2019, 15:36   #7221
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It's one word, George.
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Old 08-11-2019, 15:37   #7222
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Re: The New Joke Thread

At the hospital again.
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Old 08-11-2019, 15:38   #7223
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Still at the hospital.
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Old 08-11-2019, 15:42   #7224
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Then there's this:
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Old 08-11-2019, 16:01   #7225
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I have **never** grokked benny hill, nothing but annoying even when I was in shorts
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Old 08-11-2019, 16:57   #7226
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Then don't watch the clip. I laughed !
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Old 08-11-2019, 17:13   #7227
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go"...
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Old 08-11-2019, 17:21   #7228
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I have **never** grokked benny hill
Then don't watch Benny Hill videos? Pretty easy solution.

But sometimes a little slapstick or burlesque humor can lighten the mood, be an escape from the trials and tribulations of everyday life, be a way for me to get on my high horse and lecture others, (oops... where's the delete button...)

Benny Hill quotes: (Disclaimer: I am NOT claiming that any of these are original to Benny Hill, just that he is on record as saying them.)

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.



Anyway, for those who might appreciate it, presenting

And also The Lower Tidmarsh Fire Brigade Glee Singers, leading into Robin Hood.
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Old 08-11-2019, 21:57   #7229
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 08-11-2019, 22:05   #7230
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I have **never** grokked benny hill, nothing but annoying even when I was in shorts

Maybe try a dress and high heels, see if that helps set the mood.
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