The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

Apparently, the previous joke thread was getting too long, so it has been closed.

In the interests of humour everywhere, it begins all over again, here:

The acronyms of "Wife" and "Husband":

His view:

Washing
Ironing
F***ing
Etc….

Handy
Useful
Sensible
Brave
Altruistic
Noble
Dashing

Her view:

World-weary
Intelligent
Female
Educator

Hopelessly
Unworthy
Stupid
Bastard;
Abilities
Debatable

[jongleur]

Where's the "n"?

[Buzzman]

Women can't spell.....

[Gadagirl]

Originally Posted by jongleur

Where's the "n"?

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Women can't spell.....

Or perhaps "N" represents Neanderthal

[Buzzman]

Or 'N' for nincompoop..?

[GordMay]

Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio die and go to heaven. On their way they talk:
Cinderella: "I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world"
Superman: "I want to be remembered as the strongest person in the world"
Pinocchio: "I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world"
It's Cinderella's turn to enter the reception room.
She goes into the room and comes out smiling, saying "It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!"
Then goes Superman. He goes into the room and comes out happy, saying "It's done. I'm the strongest person in the world!"
Last, out comes Pinocchio, angrily he says: "Damn! who's this Donald guy?!?!"

[D&D]

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Some years ago Adam ate the apple.

Men will never learn!

[Dreaming Yachtsman]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio die and go to heaven. On their way they talk:
Cinderella: "I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world"
Superman: "I want to be remembered as the strongest person in the world"
Pinocchio: "I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world"
It's Cinderella's turn to enter the reception room.
She goes into the room and comes out smiling, saying "It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!"
Then goes Superman. He goes into the room and comes out happy, saying "It's done. I'm the strongest person in the world!"
Last, out comes Pinocchio, angrily he says: "Damn! who's this Donald guy?!?!"

Wait, this is supposed to be a joke thread! "Damn! who's this Donald guy?!?!" is too true to be a joke!

[samfreeland]

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but the fairy god mother kept saying no worrying that a minstrel or a jester would take advantage of poor Cinderella after all she wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw. But Cinderella was persistent and finally the fairy god mother gave in on two conditions. That she wore a diaphragm and left the ball by two am or the diaphragm would turn in to a pumpkin and cinderella would be in serious trouble. So agreeing to this off she went to the ball. Five am the next morning cinderella finally staggers home. And the fairy god mother not impressed say tell me cinderella what prince you have met whose magic is greater than mine. I can't really remember she says he got me pretty waisted I think he said his name was Peter Peter something something.

[atlroofman]

Originally Posted by Gadagirl

Or perhaps "N" represents Neanderthal

Hahahah You GO GADAGIRL !

[exRCR]

Maybe this one is older than dinosaur poop. Time will tell.

Q: What did the Englishman say when he came home and found his wife in bed with three men?

A: Hello, hello, hello.

[Singularity]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and announces, with gravel in his voice, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

A short while later, a termite walks in and asks "where's the bar tender?"
----
A father and son were walking through the park one day when the boy noticed a male dog humping a female dog.
"What are they doing?" the boy asked his father.
Embarrassed, the father said "they're making puppies."

Weeks later, the boy walks in on his parents having sex.
"What are you doing to mommy?" the boy asks.
Embarrassed, the father responds "We're making you a sister."
Now disappointed, the boy asks "Can you flip her over? I'd rather have a puppy."

[Buzzman]

OH, alright....

Nebulous

[GordMay]

[StuM]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Or to put it into terms often heard here:
How could I have been drawing 200 Amps when I've only got a 100Amp battery