The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

Or 'N' for nincompoop..?

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Really I only included the 'husband' section so as to refute any PC claims for only including the 'W.I.F.E" acronym, as this is the only one I've always known....

But I'm sure SWL or another of our female bucketeers can come up with additional versions of the former.

Well, it's off topic, but in my case this applies:

Heroic, handsome hunk
Understanding and unflappable
Satisfying () and supportive
Bighearted, brave and brilliant
Adorable, adventurous anchorholic
Nice (says it all )
Dependable and decent and for some weird reason devoted

[Buzzman]

LOL...knew we could rely on you SWL....

By the way, you should see someone about those fantasies.

[sy_gilana]

Little Mary was sitting on Santa's lap, and the conversation went thus:
SANTA: So what would you like for xmas dear girl?
MARY: Umm, I want a Barbie and and GI-Joe...
SANTA: But doesn't Barbie normally come with Ken?
MARY: No She fakes it with Ken, she really comes with GI-Joe.

[D&D]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR
SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN
HIS OVERALLS.

THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED
THE THEATRE.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED ETHEL & MILDRED.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.. .. ..

THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS
HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"ETHEL", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID ETHEL.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED ETHEL?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",
WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID
ETHEL."AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

[svmariane]

Included in the joke thread because my wife THINKS that this is a joke!

[delmarrey]

May 5th


Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.




This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivere to Mexico ... But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.




The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

[Barbossa]

Originally Posted by sy_gilana

Little Mary was sitting on Santa's lap, and the conversation went thus:
SANTA: So what would you like for xmas dear girl?
MARY: Umm, I want a Barbie and and GI-Joe...
SANTA: But doesn't Barbie normally come with Ken?
MARY: No She fakes it with Ken, she really comes with GI-Joe.

LOL. Adding this one to my mental joke bank for future use.

[Saleen411]

Guy walks into a pet store and is intrigued by a parrot that has no feet.

The pet shop owner says that this bird is a GREAT talker and even though the parrot has no feet, he has no problem staying on his perch by wrapping his d!#k around it.

The guy is sold and buys the parrot....

A few days later the guy comes home and the parrot starts talking about his wife. The parrot mentions that the wife had a visitor. "Ohh?" says the guy. "Yea, and this man started kissing and fondling your wife on the couch" "Damn!" "And then your wife took off all her clothes" "Oh No" "And then she started doing things to the stranger" "Oh my god!.....then what happened?"

"I don't know.....I got a hard on and fell off my perch!"

[D&D]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: THEY REALLY WORK!!

> 1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
>
>2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT, USE THE SINK.

>3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE IN YOUR VEINS.
> [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

> 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

>5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

>6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

> 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIXIT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
> PROBLEM.
>

[svmariane]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I attempted to be a deli worker. But any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

Then I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. My latest job is working at a coffee shop. It's kind of boring; every day is the same old grind.

[svmariane]

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at 3 a.m. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The chief commanded the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.

Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad pulled the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.

The bird left, only to return and land once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.

He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

[svmariane]

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[svmariane]

Some people marry for love, others for wealth. That's why it is called match-or-money.

The Irish lass was disappointed with the engagement ring from her fiancé because it was a sham rock.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

[svmariane]

I'm looking for a new job. I started as a watchmaker, which was great because I made my own hours. Unfortunately, I didn't have the hands for it.

Then I tried being a grocer. But it only offered a meager celery and I came home every evening beet.

I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I thought about joining the army. But my name is William and everyone kept yelling "Fire at Will!" Plus, they're only looking for recruits of high caliber.

Then I was offered a job as a cartoonist. But the entire industry seems a little sketchy.

For now, I'm working as a magician. But getting the tricks right is so frustrating; I'm pulling my hare out!



NOTE: Not to be confused with the prior "jobs" post... That was from my evil twin brother.....