Originally Posted by Exile
You may have decided you need to go it alone, but I disagree that it should be on account of no man respecting you unless you had your own boat
. It's no different from any other crew member
, in that the respect & camaraderie follows from a healthy attitude, willingness to learn, eagerness to contribute, and patience/endurance with it comes to the inevitable challenges that are sometimes not too pleasant. The young couple in the vid seem like good examples. Of course, there are some male boat
owners who inexplicably turn into 'Cap'n Blighs' once underway, but I've run across at least one female boat owner who was like that too. Maybe it's more prevalent with men
, but then there are a lot more male boat owners/captains. Either way, being an a*** is definitely gender-neutral!
I've had lots of different male & female crew, and even some of my close guy friends turned out to be pretty insufferable once onboard. Little to do with sailing skill/experience, and everything to do with personality & attitude. Not really sure gender plays that much of a role, or if the relationship is intimate, platonic, or otherwise. It may not necessarily be our fault if we wind
up with someone who turns out to be intolerable or disappointing, but it's definitely our responsibility to choose wisely. Even more so on the confines of a boat of course. I'd hazard a guess that most full-time sailing couples - ones who do long passages anyway - share responsibilities equally and that each one is fully capable of operating the boat independently of the other, regardless of which one may actually own the boat.
You may also find inspiring a woman sailor/vlogger who has refurbished & sails
her own boat, and calls herself 'White Spot Pirates' on youTube. I know I do.
Yes, i know her videos. Her boat is Karl, right? We don't get her name in the vids, but she has merit!
You have a good point, and I do agree with you... though i am not sure we are really talking about the same thing. you speak of relationships with crew on your boat. i'm talking about being in a long-term relationship on a boat.
but that's ok... I know how captain/crew relationships can work
because every captain
I've ever crewed for has asked me back. And i've experienced how intimacy tends to permeate the bonds that come through the cooperation and the building of trust (required in sailing). For example, some years ago, one guy actually proposed that i stay and that he leave his wife... (i told him no)
other than one bad experience where the guy got excited beyond his wits and didn't respect me, all of my crewing
experiences (and i've helped fixed stuff more than I've sailed because i'm mechanical and love tools) have been great. i know that there are very beautiful souls out there on boats, people i can get along with very, very well, etc.
so, it is not that i do not have faith in that sense... it is more this: it has to do with the fact that each boat owner has his/her definition of sailing and his/her life plan. this very fact lends him/her more weight in the decision-making process, more respect.
as far as definitions go: some boat owners are liveaboards who never leave the dock
or the bay; others compete, others cruise
, others sail around the world, others want to do coastal sailing, others are attracted to solitude, others to community (at the yacht club or along the way....), others prefer to fix stuff...
My point being: owning the boat allows one to decide how the boat will be used.
and when one owns his/her boat, he/she usually has a rough plan. perhaps the plan is to cross the atlantic, do the panama canal
down the coast of South America
for while before returning to the med, and all this, in, say four years. others plan to island hop and help communities build or rebuild
. others plan to do the rivers or the grand loop first, then something else, then something else... from this time to that time. these plans usually fall into wished-for time frames (because we all know about how plans go on a boat).
yet, once again, the boat owner usually has an idea of all this early on in buying
the boat: the proof being that the boat and its setup usually reflects his/her ambitions (when i see a boat with a wind vane
, i'm not thinking coastal spurts or med sailing).
and it doesn't stop here... there is the after-plan, say to move ashore when the bones get too old, to leave the boat to the kids
or grand-kids, whatever...
imagine the conversations a woman has with herself as she speaks with her boat-owner-man and hears about his plans (where, when, how, and for how long). imagine she is a woman who has dreams of a certain type of sailing and who plans to live aboard until whenever... she has to ask herself: does my plan align with his? can we make adjustments so it can work
? does the time he wants to spend out there match mine? is this possible at all?
and say she adapts to him and him to her and adjustments are made, and they are happy. there is always the possibility that something unfortunate happens and she winds up without her man, and thus, without the boat, without her home. he could fall off, have a heart-attack, get ill, get old...
i know that things can be done to leave a boat to one's partner, but there are other unfortunate things, a break-up, for instance. he could get whisked away by another woman who is more intelligent, more enchanting, or who simply satisfies his desire/need for variety.
or it could be that she is whisked away by another who is more intelligent, more enchanting, or who simply satisfies her desire/need for variety (or good cooking).
if she does not own the boat, she cannot stay on the boat. if she cannot stay on the boat, she cannot remain in her home.
so it always boils down to: it is the boat owner who is truly at home in his/her boat. the boat owner can include others in his/her plans, adapt the plans, and may or may not choose to outfit the boat to meet those plans (and im' not talking about comfort; i'm talking about a wind
vane). the boat owner may include another in the decision-making process, yes, but regardless the outcome, the other respects the boat owners' choice.
do you understand what i am trying to convey?
can i tell a story? three days ago i answered an advert for a boat for sale
. i happen to know a whole lot about these particular boats and can easily talk hours about them. my interest in buying
this boat was very serious.
well, the boat owner, after having discovered me a bit: a female who wants this boat, knows a while lot about them, who wants to sail... (and he surely saw my picture on what'sappp)... well, after all this (and it is clear from the start that i fly out there to see the boat), the guy says that he definitely wants me to fly out to see the boat and will take me for a sail yet isn't sure he wants to sell his boat after all.
Happy New Year to everyone reading this (instead of partying). I've got 15 minutes to go but really just want to brush my teeth and go to bed
. Spending New Year's alone isn't sad: i'm happy to spend this time reflecting on life and talk with folks on boats!
May 2018 be kind and gentle and healthy and meaningful!